[Critique Group 2] critiques from December 27 session, 1039 words

[Alice Massa]

Ho!Ho!Ho!Group Two writer friends--I am beginning my new year's 
resolutions early!Well, at least one of them!Below are my critiques from 
our December 27, 2018 critique session.

1.Valerie's poem "Wilderness"

Although the entire poem is outstanding, the beginning several lines are 
especially well-crafted.

I especially like the analogy and imagery of the leaves and the poet 
shivering.

In the line "longing for smooth clarity," change "longing" to "long."As 
a general check while editing poetry, review each word ending in "ing" 
and determine if another verb tense would be better or correct.Remember 
that a present participle works as an adjective; thus, it must modify 
the noun which most closely precedes the verbal (present participle).Of 
course, gerunds also end in "ing"; however, what I most often read in 
poetry is "ing" words that are present participles.

The passage about "misfitting shoes" is a superb metaphor.

The line "grasp the sweet evenness of tomorrow" is a grand verse."Sweet 
evenness of Tomorrow" would make a great title for a poem.

Although this poet continues to explore often the same topic, each poem, 
like this one, is from a new or fresh approach and well maintains the 
interest of the reader.

Once again, this poem paints a lovely, but painful portrait.

I hope that this poet's new year's resolution is to compile all of the 
poems on this topic into a chapbook (with the title suggested by Brad).

2.Brad's poem "Cottage Window's Candle on the Shore"

Consider revising the title.Having given the title challenge a little 
more thought, I suggest:

"Shore View:Candlelight from the Cottage"

Placing a hyphen may help the "scarce-imagined" phrase to be clearer.

Revise the two lines which include the word "begins":

"Heart begins to pound."

"Slowly, sky begins to lighten."

Avoiding a form of the verb "begin" would be better.

Revise to avoid an inappropriate antecedent:

"It is not abandoned."

Currently, "hope" is the antecedent, but I believe you want the 
antecedent to be "cottage" or "home."You may want to write:

"The beloved cottage is not abandoned."

Although I agree with Leonard that the following passage has high 
potential, I still think a slight revision is needed for clarity or 
smoothness of reading:

"Resolving out of night,

the ancient dock takes shape."Would "in" work better?

Resolving in the night ...."

Another questionable antecedent arises in:

"I steer her true."

Try: "I, alone, steer my ship true."

The above revision may also resolve another point which the writer 
mentioned last night concerning the reader's realizing that the person 
is alone on the ship.

Change "tying" to "tie" as follows:

I tie her up at the weathered gray pier."

(Refer to note concerning participles in Valerie's section.)

Add a comma or dash after "somehow familiar."

Revise punctuation to be as follows:

suffused with a mixture of [no colon] doubt, hope, appreciation, and 
excitement--[add dash, delete comma] I knock."

(I hope you have your computer set to read all punctuation for the above 
to make sense.)

Are we learning each other's styles too well?Even if the poet's name 
were not with this piece, I could easily identify the writer.As with 
Valerie's piece, this poet revisits a familiar topic, but with a fresh, 
new setting.The new approach keeps even the regular reader interested in 
the poet's re-exploration of the topic.

The development of the poem reflects the waves movement that brings the 
protagonist to shore.

3.Leonard's poem "A Farewell to the Wood Stove"

This is a good title that would certainly draw me into reading the poem 
if it were in a publication.

Change "humming" to hums."(Refer to note about participles in Valerie's 
section.)

Concerning the lines--"Forests burn and coal fires 
blacken/everything"--the word "everything" becomes even more dramatic 
because the word is placed on a line alone.However, to be more 
persuasive, try to avoid absolutes and exaggeration.Delete the 
unnecessary "it is" so that the passage reads:

"I sit and stare at the space heater--

an Amish-style electric."

Note placement of dash and hyphen in above.

I especially like the description of the space heater.A great line is:

"It lacks gravitas."

Try some combining as follows:

"A neat electric, yet surprisingly genuine slide of hand."

An example of creative word choice is "masterpiece of sham."

Due to the series of commas within the appositive phrase, place a dash 
after:

"comforting friend--"

Consider replacing the penultimate line with the more succinct following 
line:

"so that we can"

What I most admire about this poem is the contrast between the wood 
stove and the space heater.

Here, another poet in our group is writing about a favored topic; this 
poet also emphasizes the familiar environmental issue from a fresh 
approach which definitely holds the attention of the reader.The poet 
takes us through the centuries to explore his idea and to persuade the 
reader.I do imagine this piece could be published in an environmental 
magazine, online or print.

5.Abbie's poem "He Was Happiest"

My major suggestion is to incorporate the title as a line in the 
poem.Most writing textbooks promote this use of the title in the text of 
the poem.While the title line makes sense as the first line of the poem, 
adding the line at the end may be more dramatic.

In relatively few lines of specific description, the poet paints her 
portrait well--so well that the piece almost seems to private to share 
with readers, known or unknown.This touching and memorable poem could 
certainly appeal to many editors for publication.

Following the other three members of our group, this poet has also 
explored her most common topic, but has found a fresh approach--a new 
perspective to share a private moment in time.

Abbie--I hope you enjoy and find fulfillment in your other critique 
groups.You will be missed in this critique group.Best of luck with your 
new novel!

* * *

May the new year bring each of you many writing ideas and the time to 
write them extraordinarily well so that you can smile at your 
publications throughout 2019!

Cheers--Alice and Willow

December 28, 2018, Friday

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