[Critique Group 2] My Feedback of Last Night's Pieces

[Abbie Taylor]

Below is my feedback for all the pieces from last night's meeting. 
Again, it's been fun, and I'll miss you all. I hope you have continued 
success as a group. Good luck finding someone to replace me.

***

Valerie, I had to read this poem three times before I could understand 
its meaning. I think it's interesting how you compare bleak moments in 
your life to a forest. I like how you end the poem on a note of hope.

***

Brad, in your second line, delete the comma after "ship." In the next 
line, change "sailing" to "sails." Those two lines should then read like 
this.

this weary traveler’s ship,

sails through dark unknown seas.

When you say, "Is it my star to steer bye?" you don't need the letter E 
at the end of "by."

In the following line, "homecoming" is one word, and I'm not sure why 
you're using the word "scarce."

this scarce imagined home coming?

In the following line, try "appearing" instead of "resolving."

Resolving out of night, the ancient doc takes shape.

I love the ending.

***

Leonard, in this line,

humming hymns to Vulcan’s ardor.

who is Vulcan? Maybe this should be more clear.

Otherwise, I like the imagery and comparison between the stove and space 
heater. This poem makes a good point about no longer using wood stoves 
because they supposedly pollute the air.

***

Alice, in this line, "elegantly keeping clear the path—was change 
"keeping" to "keep." Then, to avoid the redundancy of using "path" and 
"trail" close together and in keeping with the acrostic form, try this.

elegantly keep clear

the trail of holiday hope and love.

I love the ending with the hope that the serviceman comes home for the 
holidays.

-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author https://abbiescorner.wordpress.com 
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com abbietaylor945 at gmail.com
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