[Critique Group 2] Leonards comments for Dec. submissions

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Abbie




 


The message is clear and poignant. Thefact that it is in the past tense hints at his absence. You give the hint thathe is not just not with you, but that he is deceased by focusing on his disability.There is a note of sad, wistful satisfaction. The piece confirms the depth andreality of a relationship no longer in the flesh. Good job. It paints a pictureof what his life was like in a most economical way. It only talks about the positivethings, which is fitting for this poem. I can’t think of anything to change.




 


Hewas happiest when 




 


Notwhile at his computer, 



huntingand pecking with his good hand, 



notwhen stretched out in his recliner 



orsitting in his wheelchair outdoors, 



notwhile talking on the phone in person with people he knew, 



butwhen snuggled in bed with me, 



hisgood arm around my waist, 



hishead next to mine on the pillow. 



 



-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author https://abbiescorner.wordpress.com http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.comabbietaylor945@gmail.com



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Alice




 


As in a song, the phrasing is very important in this poem.  A screen reader cannot do this well. Once Iwas able to hear it in my head in the way it was meant to be heard, it was beautiful.The last line was especially good. 




 


Mission Mistletoe



 



(a fictional, acrostic, story poem in ninelines)



 



by Alice Jane-Marie Massa



 



 



Magical moments, come my way!



Icicles, ice storms--be gone!



Snowflakes come slowly, settle softly,



tenderly transform



landscape in the December moonlight



elegantly keeping clear the path--



trail of holiday hope and love.



Once-upon-a-wish becomes reality:



The screen reader doesn’t do justice to this line.  It can’t read the hyphenated  phrase as a unit. Once the  reader realizes it is like one word,, itworks much better.



Enlisted, Sergeant, First Class, comes homefor Christmas.



This is a dynamite closing. 



 



* **



 



Thinkingof our military families during this holiday season, and



sendingbest wishes to all--



Peacefuland Merry Christmas!



Alice and Leader Dog Willow



 



December19, 2018, Wednesday



 



 



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Brad


 


I love this story poem. I’m glad it had a happyending. Eventhough I suspected it would end that way, I wasn’t sure, so thestory held me in suspense because it was easy to identify with the sailor.  Although the gist of the story is veryclear  and can be understood on at least2 levels, the details I fhound confusing. It doesn’t hurt the overall meaning and emotional import, but is neverthe less bothersome. 




 



 



 



 


Cottage WindowCandle on the Shore



C By Brad Corallo



Word count 220




 


So many years-



That is a long time to stay away.  I wonder if he had a choice in the matter. 




 


this wearytraveler's ship, 



Interesting that you say he is a traveler ratherthan a sailor. It takes away some of my empathy for him. 




 


sailing throughdark unknown seas.




 


Do I see a tinylight on the shore?



Could it be?



That which I havesought for so long?



At this point I understand that this is also ametaphor for a person searching for something. We all are doing that. But as Dorothysays, “there is no place like home.” 




 


Is it my star tosteer bye?



He is asking the question, “Is this where my pathshould be?”




 


Have I wandered,storm tossed, for far too many years?



He is not a fast learner.




 


Do I arrive toolate once again?



This  linethrows me. It indicates he has gone this route before, and has always arivedtoo late. So why does he think the door will be open this time?




 


Or do her lovingarms still await?



This line seems to contradict the line above.  If her arms were open before, how could hehave been too late?  I think this issueneeds clarification.




 


Can there trulybe for me



this scarceimagined home coming?




 



 


My ship drawscloser.



Waves crash onthe rocky shore.



I’m asking the question, “Is he a passenger or acrew member?




 


Heart begins topound.




 


Slowly, skybegins to lighten.




 


Yes, it is thehome I left so long ago.



The tiny lightbrings me hope.



It is notabandoned. 



What is ‘it’ that is not abandoned.  I assume his hope is what is not abandoned.




 


Resolving out ofnight, the ancient doc takes shape. 



Infused withlonging, I steer her true.



Finally tying upat the weathered grey peer.



So he is in control of the ship. Is he thecaptain?  Is the main ship moored in thebay while he takes a dingy to the warf when it is light enough for him to seeit? Either way, he must be a man of means.




 


Exhausted thoughhopeful I disembark.



Moving over spraywashed planks, I reach land.




 


Following a path,unknown though somehow familiar



This confuses me. Has he or has he not been herebefore? Maybe the path has changed and therefore is both familiar andunfamiliar.




 


I approach thecottage door. 



Suffused with astrange mixture of:



Doubt, hope,apprehension and excitement, I knock.



Great description of his emotional state, and veryrealistic.




 


Suddenly the dooris thrown open.



Her perfumed warmsoftness is in my arms.



Ovviously, she has had time to prepare. How didshe know e was coming.




 


And through ourjoined tears I hear her say



"oh joyouswelcome, beyond all my fears and dreams, you are home!" 



Very satisfying end. 



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Cottage Window Candle on the Shore




 


Val




 


Sometimes you manage to astound me with thebeauty, breadth and depth of your poetry. This is one of those times.




 


Wilderness




 


Here in life'swilderness,



I walk amid treesof shadow—



It is significant that you say trees of shadowrather than  trees and shadows. Thatemphasizes  that darkness is theprevailing, important quality. It is a not knowing , or being in the dark.




 


the leaves arethe silver-green



of tearsunconsoled.



I love the metaphor  of leaves for tears. They are tears hangingon  but which cannot drop, and thus beshed. The color of silver-green has the right effect, but I don’t know why. Howdid you choose that color?




 


Shivering withgrief, I stagger



in poor,misfitting shoes,



Again, a master of metaphor. 



longing forsmooth clarity—



To understand the ground upon which you try towalk, but can barely stumble about. Absolutely beautiful  descriptiondone in a way that only poetry can do.




 


promise ofblessed relief.




 


I don't like thisraw place,



yet, I know goingthrough is the



way tounderstand, if just to escape.



Wilderness is where souls must go for understanding. That is where we wrestle with angels and demons.  The writer knows this.  She would not choose to be in the wilderness,but knows it is required , and parradoxically, a blessing.




 


In the barronbrokenness, 



I whisper alullabye,



sing a prayer,



grasp the sweetevenness of tomorrow.



Wow!  Such awonderful ending. That is the soft way in which the writer walks through thedifficult places in life and manages to be aware of the understanding and blessings  that the future willbring.




 



 

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