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<p class="MsoNormal"><a name="_GoBack"></a> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Ho!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Ho!<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Ho!<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Group Two writer friends--I am beginning my new year's
resolutions
early!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Well, at least
one of them!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Below are
my critiques from our December 27,
2018 critique session.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Valerie's
poem
"Wilderness"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Although the entire poem is outstanding, the
beginning
several lines are especially well-crafted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I especially like the analogy and imagery of
the leaves and
the poet shivering.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the line "longing for smooth clarity,"
change
"longing" to "long."<span style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>As a general check while editing poetry, review each word
ending in
"ing" and determine if another verb tense would be better or
correct.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Remember that a
present
participle works as an adjective; thus, it must modify the noun
which most
closely precedes the verbal (present participle).<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Of course, gerunds also end
in
"ing"; however, what I most often read in poetry is "ing"
words that are present participles.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The passage about "misfitting shoes" is a
superb
metaphor.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The line "grasp the sweet evenness of
tomorrow" is
a grand verse.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Sweet
evenness of
Tomorrow" would make a great title for a poem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Although this poet continues to explore often
the same
topic, each poem, like this one, is from a new or fresh approach
and well maintains
the interest of the reader.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Once again, this poem paints a lovely, but
painful portrait.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I hope that this poet's new year's resolution
is to compile
all of the poems on this topic into a chapbook (with the title
suggested by
Brad).</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Brad's
poem "Cottage
Window's Candle on the Shore"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider revising the title.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Having given the title challenge a little more thought, I
suggest:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Shore View:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Candlelight from the Cottage"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Placing a hyphen may help the
"scarce-imagined"
phrase to be clearer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Revise the two lines which include the word
"begins":</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Heart begins to pound."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Slowly, sky begins to lighten."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Avoiding a form of the verb "begin" would be
better.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Revise to avoid an inappropriate antecedent:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It is not abandoned."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Currently, "hope" is the antecedent, but I
believe
you want the antecedent to be "cottage" or "home."<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>You may want to write:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"The beloved cottage is not abandoned."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Although I agree with Leonard that the
following passage has
high potential, I still think a slight revision is needed for
clarity or
smoothness of reading:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Resolving out of night,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the ancient dock takes shape.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Would "in" work better?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Resolving in the night ...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Another questionable antecedent arises in:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I steer her true."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Try: "I, alone, steer my ship true."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The above revision may also resolve another
point which the
writer mentioned last night concerning the reader's realizing
that the person
is alone on the ship.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Change "tying" to "tie" as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I tie her up at the weathered gray pier."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">(Refer to note concerning participles in
Valerie's section.)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Add a comma or dash after "somehow familiar."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Revise punctuation to be as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">suffused with a mixture of [no colon] doubt,
hope,
appreciation, and excitement--[add dash, delete comma] I knock."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">(I hope you have your computer set to read
all punctuation
for the above to make sense.)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Are we learning each other's styles too well?<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Even if the poet's name
were not with this
piece, I could easily identify the writer.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>As with Valerie's piece, this poet revisits a familiar
topic, but with a
fresh, new setting.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The
new approach
keeps even the regular reader interested in the poet's
re-exploration of the
topic.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The development of the poem reflects the
waves movement that
brings the protagonist to shore.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Leonard's
poem
"A Farewell to the Wood Stove"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This is a good title that would certainly
draw me into
reading the poem if it were in a publication.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Change "humming" to hums."<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(Refer to note about
participles in Valerie's
section.)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Concerning the lines--"Forests burn and coal
fires
blacken/everything"--the word "everything" becomes even more
dramatic because the word is placed on a line alone.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>However, to be more
persuasive, try to avoid
absolutes and exaggeration.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Delete
the
unnecessary "it is" so that the passage reads:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"I sit and stare at the space heater--</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">an Amish-style electric."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Note placement of dash and hyphen in above.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I especially like the description of the
space heater.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>A great
line is:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"It lacks gravitas."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Try some combining as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"A neat electric, yet surprisingly genuine
slide of
hand."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">An example of creative word choice is
"masterpiece of
sham."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Due to the series of commas within the
appositive phrase,
place a dash after:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"comforting friend--"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Consider replacing the penultimate line with
the more
succinct following line:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"so that we can"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What I most admire about this poem is the
contrast between
the wood stove and the space heater.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here, another poet in our group is writing
about a favored
topic; this poet also emphasizes the familiar environmental
issue from a fresh
approach which definitely holds the attention of the reader.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The poet takes us through
the centuries to
explore his idea and to persuade the reader.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>I do imagine this piece could be published in an
environmental magazine,
online or print.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">5.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Abbie's
poem
"He Was Happiest"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My major suggestion is to incorporate the
title as a line in
the poem.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Most writing
textbooks promote
this use of the title in the text of the poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>While the title line makes sense as the first line of the
poem, adding
the line at the end may be more dramatic.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In relatively few lines of specific
description, the poet
paints her portrait well--so well that the piece almost seems to
private to
share with readers, known or unknown.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>This touching and memorable poem could certainly appeal
to many editors
for publication.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Following the other three members of our
group, this poet
has also explored her most common topic, but has found a fresh
approach--a new
perspective to share a private moment in time.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Abbie--I hope you enjoy and find fulfillment
in your other
critique groups.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>You
will be missed in
this critique group.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Best
of luck with
your new novel!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">* * *</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">May the new year bring each of you many
writing ideas and
the time to write them extraordinarily well so that you can
smile at your
publications throughout 2019!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Cheers--Alice and Willow</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">December 28, 2018, Friday</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
</p>
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