[Critique Group 2] Leonard's comments re: Brad

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

For the record, I have never found your work tedious.  On the contrary, I find most of it quite good. Of course, there are some areas I find troublesome from time to time, but that is true for most of the works I read, even the ones that are page turners.  For example, I like this poem a whole lot. That doesn’t mean I don’t notice things when I’m looking for them. If I were not looking for something to comment on here, I would thoroughly just enjoy it.   A lot of the times, I hope people don’t take my comments seriously. I only want to bring some things in focus to stimulate thought.  I love this poem, and you should probably pay little attention to my comments, because it is exceptionally good the way it is, without changing a single dot.  Also, I learned a lot about Merlyn from it that I had not known.

 

One thing I will point out is that you use ‘and’ exceedingly often they sound nice, but I suggest you take the challenge of trying alternatives to many of them.


In the Isle of Avalon they sing
songs Of The Once and Future King.
He slumbers there on soft green grass
and time it barely seems to pass.

Leave out ‘it.’

By subtle spell I did there wake
called by The Lady Of The Lake .
As my heart was empty and hope was gone
Since up to now you have been using a beat of 8 with an occasional 9, I thought it would be helpful to suggest a way you could keep this line to a nine. One example would be:

For my heart was void and hope had fled. This would also eliminate two was’s on the same line.


she drew me hence to Avalon.

Its fields and vineyards knew my tread
and in meadows green I made my bed.

You don’t need  ‘and’. Without it you keep an 8 beat. The rhythm is not disturbed.


The enchantress taught me many things
of lore and spells and bygone kings.

I learned to play the lute and lyre
and the secret magic's of bale fire.
I gained great wisdom, renown and fame
and all who dwelt there knew my name.

I studied herbs and the healing arts
and never failed with crossbow darts.
I became adept with sword and lance
and my standing there did fast advance.

I had the gift of vision dreams
and could weave the light of bright Moon beams.
I was known as bard and sage by all
and one day received The Lady's call.

"For Arthur's Merlin you shall be
and with him return across the sea.
To unite the peoples once again
in a kingdom that will never end."

But emmediately below you say it did end.

So through labors Camelot was wrought
though its establishment was dearly bought.
If you don’t want to run into 10 beats you could leave out ‘though.’
 And today naught but a legend told
and a hope in memory for men to hold.



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