[Critique Group 2] Leonard's comments re: Brad

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

For the record, I have never found your work tedious.  On the contrary, I find most of it quite good. Of course, there are some areas I find troublesome from time to time, but that is true for most of the works I read, even the ones that are page turners.  For example, I like this poem a whole lot. That doesn’t mean I don’t notice things when I’m looking for them. If I were not looking for something to comment on here, I would thoroughly just enjoy it.   A lot of the times, I hope people don’t take my comments seriously. I only want to bring some things in focus to stimulate thought.  I love this poem, and you should probably pay little attention to my comments, because it is exceptionally good the way it is, without changing a single dot.  Also, I learned a lot about Merlyn from it that I had not known.

 

One thing I will point out is that you use ‘and’ exceedingly often they sound nice, but I suggest you take the challenge of trying alternatives to many of them.


In the Isle of Avalon they sing
songs Of The Once and Future King.
He slumbers there on soft green grass
and time it barely seems to pass.

Leave out ‘it.’

By subtle spell I did there wake
called by The Lady Of The Lake .
As my heart was empty and hope was gone
Since up to now you have been using a beat of 8 with an occasional 9, I thought it would be helpful to suggest a way you could keep this line to a nine. One example would be:

For my heart was void and hope had fled. This would also eliminate two was’s on the same line.


she drew me hence to Avalon.

Its fields and vineyards knew my tread
and in meadows green I made my bed.

You don’t need  ‘and’. Without it you keep an 8 beat. The rhythm is not disturbed.


The enchantress taught me many things
of lore and spells and bygone kings.

I learned to play the lute and lyre
and the secret magic's of bale fire.
I gained great wisdom, renown and fame
and all who dwelt there knew my name.

I studied herbs and the healing arts
and never failed with crossbow darts.
I became adept with sword and lance
and my standing there did fast advance.

I had the gift of vision dreams
and could weave the light of bright Moon beams.
I was known as bard and sage by all
and one day received The Lady's call.

"For Arthur's Merlin you shall be
and with him return across the sea.
To unite the peoples once again
in a kingdom that will never end."

But emmediately below you say it did end.

So through labors Camelot was wrought
though its establishment was dearly bought.
If you don’t want to run into 10 beats you could leave out ‘though.’
 And today naught but a legend told
and a hope in memory for men to hold.





I like the theme of how people from opposite sides of a conflict can still come together in mutual love and respect. It is also a testament to the power that following one’s own heart rather than blind tradition and narrow values may lead to purity and greatness.  This is also a history lesson.

Unfortunately, it also warns that good will alone may not stop a war that rages around the enlightened. The story mentions this fact almost in passing.  Yet, the lesson is not lost that there are prices to pay for one’s own inner integrity.  The overall message is that the triumph and hope lies in   the acts of love regardless of apparent outcome.

They called Il Poverello--
Francesco, little poor man.
He danced in the town square
as Assisi's townfolk marveled.


Is this Pietro Bernardone's son?
Didn't he work in his
father's cloth shop?

He spent his family's money
on banquets and danced in
outrageous costumes of
red velvet and silk, a sight, indeed!

Now, clad in simple garment, the color of dirt,
he is disowned by Pietro;



"He is mad!" Pietro curses and
Francesco's mother cries.

"He is a child of God," the people say.

Barefoot and laughing, he singspraises to God
as he gathers followers, rich and poor
to serve the crucified Christ, with joy--
"He is Risen! Peace and All Good!"

Care for the lepers, poor, ill,
acting out the Gospel stories with
voice and action captivated the
children as he crawled in snow, bleeting like a sheep.

Even the Pope blessed him: flourish like the palm tree!"
How they did! Nobles, priests and the

I  don’t understand the phrase, “How they did.


beautiful Clare were God's little ones!

I don’t understand these last 3 lines. Who is the Beautiful Clair? What is this saying? I get the general drift, but not specific references.

So, when Francesco went to Sultan Alec Al Camil,
he begged for an end to the
bloody Crusades.
How could the Muslims stop the crusades. Weren’t they the ones under attack?


Two men, meeting, gazing in one

another's eyes, truly read each other's heart.
Talking, sharing, the two became friends.
Though he couldn't stop the bloodshed,
Sultan Camil offered safe entry to
the Holy Land and his respect.

How true a testament to faith and love
this story carried down the ages!
Would that today the dialogue of
Saint and Sultan bring us
respect and friendship in bloody times!
So be it to that.


-Valerie Moreno

8-5-18



Francis of Assisi, 1182-1226
_______
How I'd love to be a cloud floating high above all the people rushing
'round/with nothing more to do than let the rain come down/watch the
colors
change on earth to green from brown/what mighty peace I'd find.
-Yusuf/Cat Stevens
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