[Critique Group 2] Leonards comments for December meeting

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Hi all,

 

Please forgive the fact that I neglected to check for my own spelling and grammar.

 

Leonard

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# 1 Alice


 

I think this is one of your very best poems.

 

Holding Wintered Memories

 

by Alice Jane-Marie Massa

 

 

My wintered memories float gracefully

on springtime ponds and summer lakes;

Beautiful  opening lines.

but now, in this fourth season of the year,

I would leave out the word ‘fourth.’ The line  flows better without it. Your next line defines the season.

my tears freeze

so that my memories skate—

I would replace  ‘so that’ with ‘and.’   Beautiful imagery and metaphor.

glide upon the smooth iced surface

and fancifully form

figure-eight's.

I suggest combining the last two lines.

 

Can you crochet

my memories into snowflakes

falling from Your skies

Beautiful 3 lines.

so that I may always recall,

Leave out the beginning word, ‘so.’

before my wintered eyes,

the precious moments of holiday seasons?

These last 2 lines together with the 3 lines preceding them are supurb.

Let the dear memories woven into snowflakes

gently kiss my rosy cheeks,

and let my boots tread heavily

upon the snowflakes

This line needs another beat. Something like, “ snowflaked Earth.”

woven with memories

that weary my skater's soul.

Marvelous. 

Then, too, some of my memory tears--

tears of gladness and tears of sadness--

form ever-growing icicles

from my snow-covered roof.

replace the word ‘covered’ with a one syllable word like ‘cloaked.’

Let these frozen memories

hold on,

hold on,

hold on  ...

I like that repetition.

become thicker

and longer,

longer,

longer.

I pray

my frozen memories last

until my last day

really great the way you have done  this whole section.

with a great guide dog

in this wintered wonderland.

 

While I do not profess to be old,

I confess that I am of that certain age

when I hold less hope

and hold more memories.

fabulous concept. I never heard expressed this way. Absolutely grand.

So, please

let the winter wind always

whisper to me,

warm my heart with,

and ever let me hold in my knitted-gloved hands

treasured wintered memories.

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#2  Val

 

It’s agood rendition of the  Christmas story with Mary’s experience being acentral part of the theme.  I like the interpretation  that this was not a time for the woes and conflicts of humankind to be resolved and put away as a thing of the past. It began a chapter of Man’s sojourn  in a conflict filled corporeal existence.  the battle between those conflicting forces continues today, but the star of wonder is there to show a way. One of the titles of the Christ is the Wayh Shower.

 

Mother

She went unnoticed in throngs of people,
riding carefully as they rushed by her
unaware of her pale face and trembling
as Joseph guided the way, his mouth moving with prayer.

Repeatedly, they looked in homes and Inns,
with no empathy or concern--there was nothing--
until an Innkeeper offered the animal'' stable.

Childbirth came on the floor with straw for
the young mother, a feeding trough for a newborn boy.

Why would a newborn need a feeding trough?


The ox, donkeys and other critters sensed the wonder
that beamed from the baby's face and the smile of
his mother as she wrapped the baby warmly.

Joseph tended to both of them, radiant grace surrounded the three as
a new, blazing star risen in the sky—

Shouldn’t the word be ‘rose?”

a sign for today, fulfillment for the future


where evil and good would battle for power.
Every hope and heartache would culminate in this baby boy
on a long journey that would cross ways and will.
I love these last 3 lines because it is real and not pie in the sky.It is a terrific culmination with which I resonate.
Mother cradles him in her arms, her blue eyes glistening.

The blue eyes throws me a little. I always assumed that there were very few middle eastern people who did not have dark eyes. especially in that period  when there wasn’t as much mixing of peoples that we have today.


It was beginning now, a fateful time and story
supernatural.

 

 

#3 Abbie

 

One of the things I like the most about this piece is how it catches the essence of the experience in a minimum number of words.  It has a haiku kind of quality

 

On an early summer evening,

thunder booms--lightning flashes—

rain pelts the city.

In an airplane, buffeted about

I like the word combination of ‘buffeted about.

with sickening, continuous,

ditto to ‘sickening continuous.  It makes me feel sick. No offense.

up, down, sideways motion,

over the loudspeaker,

the pilot says we may be diverted.

 

I fight back my lunch,

Interesting concept of fighting back against your lunch.  I assume you won.

grip the armrests, close my eyes.

The roller coaster gradually ceases.

The plane lands--I’m home!

Surprising, positive, sudden end. All is well. I didn’t expect that.

 

 
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