[Critique Group 2] My comments for December 26th Pieces

[Abbie Taylor]

Again, I'm sorry I completely forgot about our meeting Tuesday. If any of you have questions about my feedback on your pieces, please don't hesitate to email me. Will see you on January 30th if not sooner. Happy New Year!

**ininin

Valerie, this is a powerful poem that can be made even more effective with some tweaking. Please note that you don't need to capitalize "inn" or "innkeeper." Also, adverbs like "repeatedly" and "warmly" are my pet peeves, even in poetry. Either leave them out or try to find a stronger verb.

That said, in the following line, delete "repeatedly"  and remove the comma after "inns."

Repeatedly, they looked in homes and Inns,

In this line, delete the word "animal." As far as I know, there's only one kind of stable, for animals, so that word isn't necessary.

until an Innkeeper offered the animal'' stable.

In this line, try replacing "wrapped the baby warmly" with "swaddled the baby."

his mother as she wrapped the baby warmly.

Also, put a comma after "mother."

Instead of Joseph tended to both of them, try "Joseph tended to them both." I  think you'll notice that flows more smoothly.

In this line, substitute "rose" for "risen." It's more grammatically correct.

a new, blazing star risen in the sky--

I have one last comment. You seem to alternate between past and present tense in this poem. I think it would work better in past tense. Good luck.

***

Leonard, I like how you use a childhood memory to make a good point we all should consider at this time of year. I don't think I would have been as quick to forgive Champ if I'd been in your shoes.

***

Alice, I'm not sure I like the word "wintered." Since you don't say "springed" or summered," why not delete the ED.  It would sound better.

In these two lines, if you must capitalize "your," then you should also capitalize "you" in order to be consistent.

Can you crochet 
my memories into snowflakes
falling from Your skies

I'm not sure what is meant by "memories that weary my skater's soul." The problem is that you're using "weary" as a verb. According to Wictionary, "weary" is only used as an adjective. Are you trying to say that these memories tire you out? Try a different verb to make your meaning more clear.

I think the point you're trying to make here is that you want to remove unpleasant memories and replace them with good ones. If so, your poem is effective as is. If not, you might want to think of how you could make  your point more clear. Good luck.

Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com
abbie at mysero.net
Order my new memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm