[Critique Group 2] comments about December 26 pieces

[Alice Massa]

Wintry Greetings from the Frozen Tundra!

Dear Group-Two writers,

Thank you for your comments about my poem.When I referred to God with 
the second-person pronoun, my intention was to have all references 
capitalized; and I thought I went back and checked all instances.Thanks 
to Abbie's comments I will return to my original document and capitalize 
my typos.I appreciate all suggestions and compliments.Now, below are my 
comments for you from our December 26 critique session.

1. Valerie:poem "Mother"

Your brave venture into this poem begins with a very good first line.

I especially like your including more perspective of Joseph; this 
content helps to make the poem stand out among the many, many 
re-tellings of this story.

Place a comma after:

rushed by her,

Check line breaks.On my computer, some of the lines seemed to be double 
in length--most likely due to the poet's manner of keyboarding.

As Leonard and Abbie mentioned, change line to:

star had risen

OR

star rose

If you send this poem to a religious publication, check the 
capitalization:for example, capitalize "Baby Boy" when referring to the 
Baby Jesus.

Consider revising the pronoun "It" and the adverb "now" in:

It was beginning now ....

As with the poet's November poem, this poem has a superb one-word final 
line.

In response to Abbie's comment about the use of strong verbs--of course, 
always stressed in all writing books and textbooks--I must admit that on 
a rare occasion, I enjoy a good adverb used in conjunction with a good 
verb.I believe "wrapped ... warmly" works in this poem for alliterative 
quality and for being a less trite phrase than the word "swaddled."

Thanks for sharing this poem of the season which I enjoyed reading.

2.Leonard:memoir "Murderous Innocence"

Oh, my!This memoir was extremely difficult for me to read:actually, I 
had to read it a few times before I could begin the comments on this 
powerful and unforgettable piece.The strong title of the piece is 
attention-grabbing.

I suggest revising the first sentence so that the memoir does not begin 
with:

There are things ....

"There are" is "cushion" language--not strong language.Most often the 
writer can find a better synonym to use for "things."

Following is a revised sentence for you to consider:

Although I led with my heart on that summer day in 1952 (?), my actions 
were poisoned with (tainted by) ignorance.

The introductory participial phrase needs a noun or pronoun to modify; 
consider the following revision:

Shimmering in the sun, the puppy was a snapshot of love at first sight.

To avoid one use of "It," consider:

Naturally, boys and dogs often become buddies.

Revise the following sentence to avoid "It" and to delete the 
conjunction at the onset of the sentence.

And so it was on this fateful summer morning.

Add a comma at the end of the first of two independent clauses of the 
compound sentence.

The cars were stopped, and ....

Another "It" to consider revising is:

It is not a heavy burden

Also, check this use of "it":

It is something I have carried around with me ....

Obviously, the writer has studied and meditated upon the psychological 
themes of this poem:the writer's background of employment is revealed in 
the approach of this prose piece.

This painful piece steers the reader in a direction of contemplating 
forgiveness of self.

Consider changing:

This was all my fault.

to

This accident was all my fault.

Ultimately, this prose piece is a treatise on ignorance.

I do hope that writing this piece made the writer feel better about the 
most unfortunate accident which happened at an even younger and more 
impressionable age that I had imagined.Perhaps, you should insert the 
year or your age at the time of the incident:being of such a young age 
at the time of the story, you will garner even more sympathy from your 
attentive audience.)This piece of writing is extraordinarily 
impressionable on both the writer and the reader.

3.Abbie:poem "Turbulence"

The writer's poetry group selected a good topic to explore 
poetically.While I am not a big fan of one-word titles, the title of 
this poem is quite good.

The phrase "buffeted about" has outstanding sensory effect and is 
alliterative:I especially like this phrase.

The second set of descriptions needs a proper subject.Besides adding the 
first-person pronoun, inserting the exact words of the pilot in a direct 
quotation may be considered as part of the revision.

I heard the pilot announce: "I apologize about the turbulence;/in a 
short while, we should be above this unstable atmosphere."

I suggest that in some way, the poet let her readers know that the plane 
was of the smaller variety:knowing the plane was more of a 
"puddle-jumper" would heighten the drama.

Although I understand that two members prefer the abrupt ending to this 
poem, I still think I would prefer just a little more transition to the 
abrupt ending.My experience is that even after the motion has stopped or 
subsided, motion sickness continues for a while.Vertigo or ear problems 
may persist even longer.

The initial parts of this poem are filled with very descriptive lines 
that truly evoke unpleasant sensations.This poem could be a very good 
"Five Senses" poem.I imagine that the poet will eventually have this 
poem published.

* * *

Since Willow finally fulfilled her 2017 resolution by wearing all four 
blue boots to and from Metro Market yesterday (and received much 
attention for doing so from strangers and friends), I thought I should 
fulfill my new year's resolution and send you my comments somewhat on time.

I hope that Brad will be ready to rejoin our group on January 30.

Best wishes for much happy and successful writing throughout 2018!

Happy and healthy New Year!

Cheers to Group Two(with cranberry wine or a Poinsettia)!

Alice and Willow

January 30, 2017, Saturday

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