[Critique Group 2] Leonard's critique notes for Sharon's piece

[Tuchyner5 at aol.com]

I think you have done  a wonderful job in describing Babe and the 
relationship you have with her.  You certainly have done a good job in  describing 
her physical characteristics and personality. One of my favorite  paragraphs 
is where you talk about getting her to accept your accendancy. It  brings in 
the issue of conflict and develops a plot.  conflict always is a part of a 
good  plot.  The piece is lacking at  the  plot level. It is great on  
description, but  there is no  suspense, no story development.  A  descriptive 
piece like this might be better done in poetry, although I’m sure  there are 
lots of readers who would like it just as is.   
there is a problem  with paragraph formation and graphics. Your paragraphs 
are shown in avariety of  ways, such as indentation and blank line, and I don
’t know which one you are  using most until the piece moves on a bit.  I 
think it might be a software issue. there are a lot of paragraphs that  I 
think should be combined.  
You mention that babe  got lost once. I would have  You  tell it is a story 
for another time. But how did mentioning it there add to this  piece? I 
would have preferred it if you had focused on a single theme with  action and 
plot, such as this being lost would have done.  there are many places which 
have  suggested other stories, and you could have taken any one of them as a 
story in  itself, which I would like to see. 
-- 
waiting for  Christ's return

BABES
A Short Story
By Sharon Tewksbury
667  words

Critiques welcome

Babes was 3 months old when she first came  into my life. Born January
10th 2003, I brought her home April 12th of that  year.

Darlene, my wonderful sister who passed in 2015, had told me  about
babes the day I brought her home. Nine months later, Darlene got  a
Boston Terrier named Angel, and she and Babes grew up  together.

Darlene drove  me down the street to where  Babes lived so  I could
see that  little ball of fur.

The  moment she put her in my  hands, I fell in love with her.  I  said,
"Hello Babes." and our love affair began.

We've been through a  lot together. She got lost in some woods behind
my apartment complex in  September 2003, but was returned home. That's
another story in  itself.

We've been through two hurricanes,   one move,  and of course the
little trials of life dogs and owners go through.

A  friend said she looked almost  like a fox terrier. Her former  owners
said she   was  part Chihuahua    and part Pomeranian,  but I’m not
sure what her breed really is, because folks say she just looks  like a
Terrier.
Her coat was two shades of brown and a shiny white, but  now is
completely gray due to her age.

Short haired, and   long-legged,  she has a fox Terrier’s  nose and is
kind of long and  lean, and folks say she has the  Dachsund   build.

She has  pointed Terrier ears, terrier's   face, and some people have
said  she looks like she's  wearing eye makeup because of the black
under her  eyes.

Her toenails look like they have been painted black and  consequently
attracting attention,  this makes her even more vain than  she normally
would be.

Head held high, and ears pointed  up,   she struts her stuff.

If noticed by  a crowd of  humans, she will certainly be the bell of
the ball, or else.

Though  she is not considered a small dog, she is in the medium range  and
only weighs 23 pounds. Since she weighs under 30 pounds,  people
would assume she isn’t heavy, but she tends to be because of bone  and
muscle.  I used to pick her up and let her look outside at the  rain,
but I can't do that now because of back problems.

Before now,  she would disobey me.  Jumping on a chair or bed, and
staking out her  territory, she would act as if I couldn’t do anything
about it. But, I was  the giant who could say whether it was her
territory – or not, and I  laughed,   picked her   up, and moved  her
somewhere  else. She finally got the message, and now obeys my command
staying in one  place.

I call her princess Dianna, because of her royal little  ways.  Her
snobbishness just seems to add to her appeal, and One thing  that's
particularly humorous is that I'm-better-than-that air she  has.

I laugh at her when her feet touch wet grass, or if she gets cold,  or
anything else that might make her world less than perfect.  Heaven
forbid.

If off her leash,   She refuses to get wet if  it's raining.    If it’s
wet outside, and she's on her  leash  she might pull if she’s feeling
hyper, but most of the time she is obedient  and docile  obeying
commands.

If   disconcerted or  worried, wrinkles appear between her eyes, and
she assumes a  thoughtfulness,   as if her decision will completely
change the  world.

Her little quirks shine through all the time. Her moods change  like a
kaleidoscope. She loves to
hide from me when I’m about ready to go  somewhere. In times of
potential danger,  she is all gusto and bark but  if she really gets
scared, she runs and jumps in my lap. I've tried to tell  her she's the
"protector and I'm the "protected, but she doesn't  listen.


Though almost 14, she is still smart, independent, and  stubborn. She
gets her stubbornness from me, but that's our  secret.

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