[Critique Group 2] Leonard's critique notes for Brad's piece

[Tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Brad critique by  Leonard 
To me there are two  stories here.  One is the  kaleidoscope of sensory 
input as you experience them. The other is that poignant  memory of a bygone 
day in which there was a woman. That adds a new dimension of  meaning to the 
poem.  Most of the  poem is in the here-and-now. But that lost summer day 
takes us into a past  memory with tantalizing questions.  Yu could make that 
memory a completely different project. I’d love to  read that story. Right 
after, you go back into the present. It left me a little  disappointed. It was 
like driving by something I really wanted to get out and  experience, but 
the driver wouldn’t stop. I don’t think that detracts from a  really good 
poem. 
The things I liked the  best are. 
The  title 
Lines 1, 2,5, 6, 7,  10, 14, 15, 16, (all of them with noted exceptions) 
Noted  exceptions: 
13. Rework  line 
Improvements: 
Combine 19, 20, 21,  and 22 
11: swish instead of  gliding. 
26: sol or sun   
---- 
Title: I like it. It  sets the poem up so that it makes ssense from the 
beginning.   
line 1 puts me right there emmediatelyh. but for me it’s  Coney Island. 
2. love the soft gentleness next to the hot  pavement 
5. 5 basket balls beat  pavement rhythms (great) 
6. rim shots,  backboard booms! 9great) 

7 fiery cratered  rocky sand 

9 dock tackle,  Intermittent clanking  
dock tackle can refer  to fishing equipment or boat gear.  Can I presume 
that this line refers to both? 
10 revving boat  motors, spew their fowl exhaust 
I like  ‘foul’ because it makes it clear that  not everything in this 
landscape is pleasant. But even the unplesent aspects are  happy memories. 
11 long gliding sound  of fishing line 
Lonng swishing   sound. It’s a sensory word  that adds to immage.. Also 
alliteration. 


13 the plop as  led hits water 
Not your best  line.  I think you’re talking about  a fishing weight 
hitting the watter with a plopping sound.  work on this line. 
14 ratcheting sounds,  eager cranking 
great descriptions  with compelling sounds. Anyone who has been on a boat 
dock will be brought right  into this scene. 
15 car engine  noise
16approaching and moving away 
Very clear and a  little threatening. Are you safe? 
17 ten second peal of  music
18 rises and fades
great 

19 "Summer breeze,  makes me feel fine
20 blowing through the Jasmine in my mind!" 
17, 18, 20.
21 poignant  pang of memory
22 long forgotten face of smiling girl
I would combine 19,  20, 21, and 22. . This is a story in itself and 
changes the setting from the  here and now to  the specific  memory. I love these 
4 lines. 
23 white foam strokes  the shore
24 light reflects off undulating water 
Here you have changed  to vision.  It’s like you’ve moved  with the memory 
of the woman, to the primary sensory modality of that time. Very  
interesting. I like it.  

26 warm bright  breath of Earth's star bathing all
I would prefer  the use of Sol or Sun. The other  approach is too wordy. I 
think you inend a zoom out effect here, but it doesn’t  work as well 
poetically.  
27 perfumed skin,  bronzed sun worshipers 
28 transient whiffs, pineapple coconut
Now we’re  back to  the here and now with very  pleasant and compelling 
sensations. New olfactory sensations. Although, I  rememger the gas  fumes. 
These last 4 lines  continues the journey to the beach. I like them all. 
29 ball games blaring  from radios
30 parking lot Ice cream truck circles, piping familiar melodies  

29 spreading my Op Art towel, I lay down
30 finely Warm all over, so  totally here, gratitude, ascending!  
Noted  exceptions: 
13. Rework  line 
Improvements: 
Combine 19, 20, 21,  and 22 
11: swish instead of  gliding. 
26: sol or sun  
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