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<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Brad critique by
Leonard<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">To me there are two
stories here.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>One is the
kaleidoscope of sensory input as you experience them. The other is that poignant
memory of a bygone day in which there was a woman. That adds a new dimension of
meaning to the poem.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Most of the
poem is in the here-and-now. But that lost summer day takes us into a past
memory with tantalizing questions.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">
</SPAN>Yu could make that memory a completely different project. I’d love to
read that story. Right after, you go back into the present. It left me a little
disappointed. It was like driving by something I really wanted to get out and
experience, but the driver wouldn’t stop. I don’t think that detracts from a
really good poem.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">The things I liked the
best are.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">The
title<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Lines 1, 2,5, 6, 7,
10, 14, 15, 16, (all of them with noted exceptions)<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Noted
exceptions:<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">13. Rework
line<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Improvements:<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Combine 19, 20, 21,
and 22<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">11: swish instead of
gliding.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">26: sol or sun
<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">----<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Title: I like it. It
sets the poem up so that it makes ssense from the beginning.
<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">line 1 puts me right there emmediatelyh. but for me it’s
<st1:place w:st="on">Coney Island</st1:place>.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">2. love the soft gentleness next to the hot
pavement</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">5. </FONT><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">5 basket balls beat
pavement rhythms (great)<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">6. rim shots,
backboard booms! 9great)<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><BR>7 fiery cratered
rocky sand<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><BR>9 dock tackle,
Intermittent clanking <o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">dock tackle can refer
to fishing equipment or boat gear.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">
</SPAN>Can I presume that this line refers to both?<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">10 revving boat
motors, spew their fowl exhaust<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">I like<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>‘foul’ because it makes it clear that
not everything in this landscape is pleasant. But even the unplesent aspects are
happy memories.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">11 long gliding sound
of fishing line<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Lonng <U>swishing<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></U>sound. It’s a sensory word
that adds to immage.. Also alliteration.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><BR><BR>13 the plop as
led hits water<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Not your best
line.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I think you’re talking about
a fishing weight hitting the watter with a plopping sound.<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>work on this line.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">14 ratcheting sounds,
eager cranking<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">great descriptions
with compelling sounds. Anyone who has been on a boat dock will be brought right
into this scene.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">15 car engine
noise<BR>16approaching and moving away<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Very clear and a
little threatening. Are you safe?<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">17 ten second peal of
music<BR>18 rises and fades<BR>great<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><BR>19 "Summer breeze,
makes me feel fine<BR>20 blowing through the Jasmine in my mind!" <BR><SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>17, 18, 20.<BR>21 poignant
pang of memory<BR>22 long forgotten face of smiling girl<BR>I would combine 19,
20, 21, and 22. . This is a story in itself and changes the setting from the
here and now to<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>the specific
memory. I love these 4 lines.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">23 white foam strokes
the shore<BR>24 light reflects off undulating water<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Here you have changed
to vision.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It’s like you’ve moved
with the memory of the woman, to the primary sensory modality of that time. Very
interesting. I like it. <o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><BR>26 warm bright
breath of Earth's star bathing all<BR>I would prefer<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>the use of Sol or Sun. The other
approach is too wordy. I think you inend a zoom out effect here, but it doesn’t
work as well poetically. <o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">27 perfumed skin,
bronzed sun worshipers <BR>28 transient whiffs, pineapple coconut<BR>Now we’re
back to<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>the here and now with very
pleasant and compelling sensations. New olfactory sensations. Although, I
rememger the gas<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">
</SPAN>fumes.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">These last 4 lines
continues the journey to the beach. I like them all.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">29 ball games blaring
from radios<BR>30 parking lot Ice cream truck circles, piping familiar melodies
<BR><BR>29 spreading my Op Art towel, I lay down<BR>30 finely Warm all over, so
totally here, gratitude, ascending! <o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Noted
exceptions:<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">13. Rework
line<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Improvements:<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">Combine 19, 20, 21,
and 22<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">11: swish instead of
gliding.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">26: sol or sun
<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P></DIV></FONT></BODY></HTML>