[Critique Group 2] Leonard's critique of Val's piece

[Tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Val 
The story: You tell  abeautiful story in a beautiful way. From a pros point 
of view I can’t make any  improvements.  It is well documented  and 
informative, while at the same time, rich in emotional warmth. The story is  told 
with an economy of words  that  is done in the best  poetic  tradition.  
I’ve made a few  arbitrary suggestions to augment its poesy. There is  abit 
of a wrestling match between the  poetic aspects of the piece and the 
information giving. that is often a  difficult balancing act. If you made this a 
straight pros essay, that conflict  would not exist. On the other hand, 
neither  would it have its lyrical  qualities. 
Line 14 is too long. I  know you want to get  the date in,  but  sticking 
it on the end like  that breaks the rhythm of the line and poem. 
line 20: lavender  graced her chest.  It flows better  with less words. 
26 Scientists and  historians see clues  
27  in golden strands of hair   
28  surmise  she died in 1870’s 
In a poem like this  grammatical correctness  has to  balance with poetic 
license to achieve a sense of poesy. 
31 A service was  held 
32 celebrating her  brief life  
33 as was placed  ….etc. 
34  to 39: Very nice. 
91 There is a software  glitch leaving ‘the in a line by itself. 
93 and 94 very  well  chosen  guotes. 
Little  Light
(Miranda-Eve)
VM 7-19-16

1 Contracters digging in a  homeowners garage
2 make a startling discovery--
3 lead and bronze  container bearing 
4 the words "Metalic Burial Case".

5 Through  windows in the top,
6 they saw a tiny girl,
7 fully intact, untouched by  time.

8 Flowing blonde curls framed
9 a sweet, peaceful face--
10  so began the mystery of
11 a gentle, little child.

12 Who was she?  
13 somehow, left behind when the 
14  Oddfellows cemetery was cleared in the  1900s
15 to use the land for the living.

16 she was three,
17 rose  petals and lavendar in her hair.
18 The pleeted, cotten gown of white she  wore
19 was handmade, lace at the sleeves and 
20 a cross made with  lavendar on her chest.

21 A family of means wanted her
22 remembered  forever,
23 why else such careful, costly 
24 preservation.
25 The  child's identity remains a mystery,
26 scientist historian seeking clues  from
27 golden strands of her hair, it is thought she
28 died in the  1870s.

29The homeowners children named her
30 Miranda-Eve.
31 A  service was held celebrating
32 her brief life as she was 
33 placed near  the mass oddfellows grave.
34 She is a reminder that
35 every life is  significant, important.
36 Rest preciously, little one, 
37 so loved then,  now and forever.
38 May your story be known someday.
39 You matter so much  to so many.


40 *Miranda-Eve rests in the San Francisco area in land  of the Garden Of
50 Innocence, a non-profit charity that honors and sponsors  burials of
60 unidentified children. Miranda's casket was placed within a  cherrywood
70 coffin made by the homeowners. Her heart-shaped stone bears her  nickname
80 "Miranda-Eve" with one side blank for engraving her true identity  is
90discovered. Records from Oddfellows cemetery were lost in a fire  during
91 the
92 great San  Francisco earthquake.
93 But know everything lost will  be recovered when you drift in to the arms
94  of the undiscovered
-Ben Giblert, "Me  and Magdalena",
Monkees, Good Times!   50th anniversary, 2016
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