[Critique Group 1] Sally's May comments

[sanford.rosenthal at comcast.net]

Sally's May comments:

Marcia:  The phrase beginning "But what does a retired" is not a complete
sentence.  Suggestion: incorporate it into the first sentence with a comma
or drop the "But" and make a sentence such as What does a retired guide dog
do, though?  You need an extra space between the word "career." And the
beginning of the next sentence.  In the phrase "yellow lab", the lower-case
lab should be a capital L.  Most of the errors would have been picked up by
spellcheck.  The sentence beginning :Although not a certified therapy dog"
needs to be re-written.  As it stands, the subject "I" is modified by the
beginning phrase, and I know you are not a therapy dog.  I LOVE the name
Bowser!  If GDB has a newsletter for puppy raisers or students, this piece
would be an excellent submission.

DeAnna:  I am still laughing about "Flush, Mommy, flush" and the trash
compacter incident.  Good essay, but it ends somewhat  abruptly.

Leonard:  An apt title!  I am not certain of the meaning of the line
beginning "Markedly."  "enormous outlandish price": pick one of the
adjectives since they are so similar. "Entirely necessary": drop "entirely"
since something is either necessary or isn't.  Is "order" the right word?  I
know what you mean, but would a sighted reader understand the implication
and what "JAWS" is?  The poem is one every computer user can relate to;
computers have a mind of their own.

Cleora:  This is really creepy which is, I hope, what you intended it to be.
Could you add it to the earlier story about the card and then continue with
the next few people who get stuck with it?  I think that would make a good
book.  I can't come up with a title, either, but I am sure one will come to
mind.  This story is a little long and could benefit from tightening up and
shortening the longer sentences.

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