[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments on Cleora's sub

Mon Jun 5 16:55:14 EDT 2023

Cleora SUB FOR May 23

I already  commented on this piece at the BOe Sunday critique:

In regards to the name:

All  of the  3 names are good,

but adding blindness to the title can be considered.

It gives away the ending,

but considering this is a sequel,

and it is likely people who read this  would know the ending anyway,

it might be okay.

I think this is a retribution  for  the dishonesty of one of your  helpers.

It does have a satisfying , “You’ll be sory ,” quality. It is a good read.

1323 words

possible titles

Passing It On

Transferred

Transmitted

by Sly Duck

Distracted by the doctor coming out to talk to him while he was
waiting for his receipt, Cleatta's new blind client didn't notice that
she dropped his credit card in her purse instead of giving it back to
him.

Normally, she would wait to find out more about a new client's habits
before borrowing a credit card, but the opportunity was too good to
resist. She noted that he carefully tucked the receipt away after
having her put some notes on it.

When the shift was over, he walked her to the door, and As she stepped
out, he quickly stepped close to her and whispered
“Infected,” in her ear.

She turned. “What?” she asked, but he had closed the door.

Infected? What does that mean? Cleatta shook her head. Old people are strange.

On her way home, she stopped at the grocery store. She decided to use
the card she had just taken. It had a picture of a dolphin on the
front. Cute, it looked like the tail twitched and the eye winked as
she tapped it to complete the $215.82 purchase. She was careful to
collect the receipt to put in his receipt folder when she returned his
card at her next shift with him.

Suddenly, things looked blurry. It was like there was a thin film on
her eyes. I’m just tired, she thought rubbing her eyes.
Fortunately, her next shift was just staying with an elderly client
until his daughter got home from work. She contemplated what she had
just done. Usually, she would not charge more than $5 or $10 on a
card. Large amounts tended to attract attention. Oh, well, No problem.
She would get it and the receipt back to him on the next shift.
Usually she had an opportunity two or three times a week to borrow a
credit or debit card from a client, but the purchase she had just made
would get her thru the next couple of weeks.

Then, there was still Mrs. Gracey. She was such a nice old lady.
Cleatta had been her caregiver for close to two years now, and the old
lady had never caught on. They usually went shopping. Mrs. Gracey
never noticed when Cleatta put a few extra items in the basket. Unless
someone checked closely, they would never notice an additional item or
two that wasn't something the client would buy.

Speaking of Mrs. Gracey, she had a shift with her next week. She could
pick up anything she forgot when they went shopping. That would put
her in good shape for the rest of the month. Her paycheck would take
care of everything else.

“Good night, Mrs. Gracey,” She said. See you in two weeks.

“Good night. Take care,” said Mrs. Gracey.

Cleatta stopped for gas on the way home. At the pump, she noticed the
dolphin card in her wallet. “I need to get you back to your
owner,” she told the card. It looked like the dolphin tail waved
and its eye winked. I'm losing it, she thought. Turning the card over,
she saw that someone had written what might be the PIN number in the
signature bar. Well, as long as I still have it, I might as well use
it. She inserted the card in the pump to pay for her gas, then went
inside to use the ATM machine. She tried it and sure enough the number
was the PIN. She took $200 cash. Okay, that's it. I've used it three
times now. I need to give it back to the owner, and wait to make sure
I haven't drawn attention.

On the way home, it seemed darker than usual. She remembered some of
her friends mentioning that as they got older, they were starting to
have trouble seeing at night. Was that happening to her? Next time she
would pick up some supplements reported to help people see better at
night.

Come to think of it, she hadn't been sent to a shift with the old man
again. She called the agency and found out he was no longer a client.
Had he missed the card and cancelled? That didn't make sense. If he
thought a caregiver had taken his card, she would have gotten a call.
In any case, she needed to get rid of it. Sense she couldn't return
it, she would put it in the shredder. It didn't make sense, but it
seemed like each time she used the card, her vision worsened.

Time passed and Cleatta noticed each time she tried to get rid of the
dolphin card, it would be back in her purse next time she shopped. She
was now sure that it wasn't a trick of the light. Each time she looked
at the card, the tail twitched and the eye winked. She remembered long
ago there was some art work or something that would make it look like
a picture was changing if you tilted the picture sideways. That's all
it is, she assured herself. The supplements weren't helping. She had
been to an ophthalmologist. He didn't see anything wrong, but he sent
her to a specialist that also couldn't find anything wrong. When she
got her license renewed, night driving was restricted. So she could
only take shifts that were during the daytime. Sometimes, her brother
could drop her off and pick her up if part of the shift was after
dark, but she wouldn't be able to drive the client. Finally, she
decided to take the card back to the old man. He wasn't a client any
more, but she knew where he lived. She would just drop by and tell him
she had discovered the card and was returning it to him.

Strange, there was a new car parked in the driveway. Had he moved? She
remember he was blind. He still had his old car, but he didn’t'
drive any more. Maybe the people would know where he went. She rang
the doorbell.

The old man opened the door. “Good afternoon, Cleatta. I've been
expecting you.”

He held out a folded white cane to her. “You'll probably be
needing this soon,” he said.

She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She shook her head and
took a moment to compose herself. She reached in her purse and pulled
out the card. holding it out to him, she said. “I'm so sorry. I
realized I took your card the time I was here, but the agency told me
you were no longer a client. It wasn't until now I realized I knew
where you lived and could just bring it back to you.”

“That's ok,” he said, “it's yours now. I need to
tell you that you must say 'infected' to the next person. Also, you
will need to give them the blind cane.” He was still holding the
cane out to her.

“No,” she said. “It's not my card.” She tried
to put it in his hand.

He moved the folded cane over so the card stuck between the tubes.
“No, it's yours now. The only way you can get rid of it is for
someone to steal it. You must tell them 'infected' when they do. You
will know when someone is about to steal the card, And if it is the
same as with me, you will know when they are going to try to return it
so you can give them the cane.”

“Don't worry,” he said. “I only had to wait 10
years. You might try caregivers. They steal all kinds of things. If
you're lucky, and you present them with the right opportunity, you'll
be able to get rid of the card in a few years. Or, sooner in this day
and time.” His face twisted into an evil smirk, and with that,
he dropped the cane at her feet, and closed the door.

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