[Critique Group 1] Marcia's May comments

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna:

Title suggestion:  Sibling Rivalry

The New Kid in Town

 

"youngest" unnecessary:  I found my two-year-old child with

 

Hilarious:  "Flush mommy, flush!"

 

"in my home" unnecessary:  gathered in my kitchen to plan out our next joint
meeting in my home.

Try:  gathered in my kitchen to plan out our next joint meeting.

Or

Gathered in my home

 

verb tense:  would fill my open-plan kitchen,

Try:  filled my open-plan kitchen,

 

"likely?":  Many of the women were likely to be expecting

Try:  many of the women were expecting

 

All I could conclude

Try:  I concluded

 

Verb tense:  when I had to teach the section on preparing for your baby's
arrival.

Try:  when I taught the section on preparing for your baby's arrival.

 

 

Sally:

Title:  obviously refers to anniversary date but perhaps consider something
more compelling/emotional

 

Agreement:  Strength diminished year by year,

Try:  Strength diminishing year by year,

With anger masking sadness,

 

Nice turn of phrase:  until its moon stopped mid-orbit

 

Agreement:  she married so long ago promising

 

                

Leonard:

Title:  Any Change Means Disaster

Try:  Change Means Disaster

 

Change to match title:  often meant system-wide disaster-- 

Try:  often means system-wide disaster-- 

 

punctuation:  Long did I struggle concerning the choice.

Because one change, regardless of reason, 

often meant system-wide disaster-- 

markedly when dealing with technology.

Try:  Long did I struggle concerning the choice,

Because one change, regardless of reason, 

often means system-wide disaster 

markedly when dealing with technology.

 

Reword:  else the need  to move to a higher order,

like Jaws, requiring no vision at all. 

Try:  else the need  to learn new technology,

like Jaws, for those with no vision at all. 

 

Question mark:  After all, what is the worst that could befall 

Try:  After all, what is the worst that could befall? 

 

Delete "s" on connections:  with no connection to cause and effect .

 

 

Cleora:

Title suggestion:  Unforseen Consequences

 

Simplify:  Distracted by the doctor coming out to talk to him while he was
waiting for his receipt, Cleatta's new blind client didn't notice that she
dropped his credit card in her purse instead of giving it back to him.

Try:  Distracted by the doctor, the blind man didn't notice that his
caregiver didn't return his credit card. Along with his receipt. 

 

Shorter sentences:  When the shift was over, he walked her to the door, and
As she stepped out, he quickly stepped close to her and whispered
“Infected,” in her ear.

Try:  When her shift ended, her client walked her to the door. As she
stepped out, he quickly whispered "infected" in her ear.

 

Consolidate:  They usually went shopping. Mrs. Gracey never noticed when
Cleatta put a few extra items in the basket.

Try:  Mrs. Gracey never noticed when Cleatta put a few extra items in the
basket when they went shopping.

 

Remembered:  She remember he was blind.

Try:  She remembered he was blind.

 

Interesting commentary:  You might try caregivers. They steal all kinds of
things.

 

 

 

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <https://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20230601/7867827c/attachment.htm>