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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title suggestion: Sibling Rivalry<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The New Kid in Town<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'>“youngest” unnecessary: </span>I found my two-year-old child with<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'>Hilarious: </span>“Flush mommy, flush!”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'>“in my home” unnecessary: </span>gathered in my kitchen to plan out our next joint meeting in my home.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: gathered in my kitchen to plan out our next joint meeting.<span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Gathered in my home<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>verb tense: would fill my open-plan kitchen,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: filled my open-plan kitchen,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“likely?”: Many of the women were likely to be expecting<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: many of the women were expecting<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>All I could conclude<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I concluded<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Verb tense: when I had to teach the section on preparing for your baby’s arrival.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: when I taught the section on preparing for your baby’s arrival.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title: obviously refers to anniversary date but perhaps consider something more compelling/emotional<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Agreement: Strength diminished year by year,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Strength diminishing year by year,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>With anger masking sadness,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nice turn of phrase: until its moon stopped mid-orbit<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Agreement: she married so long ago promising<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal> <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Title: Any Change Means Disaster<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Change Means Disaster<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Change to match title: <span style='color:black'>often meant system-wide disaster-- <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>often means system-wide disaster-- <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>punctuation: <span style='color:black'>Long did I struggle concerning the choice.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Because one change, regardless of reason, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>often meant system-wide disaster-- <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>markedly when dealing with technology.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>Long did I struggle concerning the choice,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Because one change, regardless of reason, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>often means system-wide disaster <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>markedly when dealing with technology.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reword: <span style='color:black'>else the need to move to a higher order,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>like Jaws, requiring no vision at all. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>else the need to learn new technology,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>like Jaws, for those with no vision at all. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Question mark: <span style='color:black'>After all, what is the worst that could befall <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>After all, what is the worst that could befall? <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Delete “s” on connections: <span style='color:black'>with no connection to cause and effect .<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Title suggestion: Unforseen Consequences<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Simplify: Distracted by the doctor coming out to talk to him while he was waiting for his receipt, Cleatta's new blind client didn't notice that she dropped his credit card in her purse instead of giving it back to him.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Distracted by the doctor, the blind man didn't notice that his caregiver didn’t return his credit card. Along with his receipt. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Shorter sentences: When the shift was over, he walked her to the door, and As she stepped out, he quickly stepped close to her and whispered “Infected,” in her ear.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: When her shift ended, her client walked her to the door. As she stepped out, he quickly whispered “infected” in her ear.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consolidate: They usually went shopping. Mrs. Gracey never noticed when Cleatta put a few extra items in the basket.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Mrs. Gracey never noticed when Cleatta put a few extra items in the basket when they went shopping.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Remembered: She remember he was blind.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She remembered he was blind.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Interesting commentary: You might try caregivers. They steal all kinds of things.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>