[Critique Group 1] Marcia's June notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally:

Training Wheels

 

"Even" at six, a cautious child?-aren't most six-year-olds cautious?

Consider:  Nervous at six.wary.timid.

 

His disabled daughter's budding skill

Relate back to Cautious.

Consider:  his disabled daughter's budding confidence

 

 

Leonard:

King Crab

 

Consider consolidating:  occasionally like to visit campground near Virginia
Beach. I do that about every three years.

Try:  I visit campground near Virginia Beach about every three years.

 

"more" instead of "of":  So, I guess I'll only be doing that a couple of
times before circumstances will force

Try:  So, I guess I'll only be doing that a couple more times before
circumstances will force

 

Delete return:  will force

me to quit

 

Nice line-delete return:  I think we'll both

run out of gas at the same time.

 

Reminds me of my Dad:  one of those could-be final trips

 

Avoid "it":  It was a huge creature.

Try:  The creature was huge.

 

Bite? Suddenly?:  "Don't worry, I won't bite you," he said suddenly.

Try:  "Don't worry, I won't hurt you." To my astonishment, he spoke.

 

Singular claw?:  and  had a huge claw, 

Set of claws?

 

Funny line-consider semicolon:  Then I proceeded to run up the shore. Well,
I suppose it was a hurried walk. I hadn't run for over 20 years.

Try:  I proceeded to run up the shore. Well, I suppose it was a hurried
walk; I hadn't run for over 20 years.

 

Great humor:  This was a brave thing for me to do, because old  codgers like
me can't get up that quickly once they've gone to ground.

 

 

Cleora:

Transformed

 

Nice story development

 

Not a question:  Each time she used the card, she lost some vision and the
person she took it from gained some vision?

 

Clarify:  When borrowing cards, the charge would go to the person she
borrowed the card from. This card now had her name on it. Soon she would be
getting a bill for the almost $500 in charges.

Try:  When borrowing a card, charges would go to the person she borrowed the
card from. This card now had her name on it. Soon she would get a bill for
almost $500 in charges.

 

Good line, needs comma:  I'm old not blind."

Try:    I'm old, not blind."

 

Word choice:  Cleatta struggled with the decision of what to do. Did she go
ahead and use the card and lose more vision,

Try:  Cleatta struggled with her decision. Should she go ahead and use the
card and lose more vision,

 

Question mark:  Did she go ahead and use the card and lose more vision, or
write a check on her dwindling bank balance.

 

Also a question:  She had resisted using the car today, but what about
tomorrow and the next day.

Another question:  What if the loss of vision was the payment.

 

POV switches from 3rd to 1st?:  I wonder if left over money disappears if
someone takes the card. 

 

 

Deanna:

Lost Father

 

Nice alliteration:  I never knew the man my mother married.

 

Need commas:  A gentle resilient strong Ojibwa

Try:  A gentle, resilient, strong Ojibwa

 

Use numeral :My mother was only seventeen

 

Need comma, capitalize Army:  My mother was only seventeen

An army corporal's young wife at my birth.

Try:  My mother was only 17,

An Army corporal's young wife at my birth.

 

Hyphenate?:  a child bride

 

Use numeral:  married at age fifteen

Try:  married at age 15

 

Noun, not pronoun:  Thus it was I missed knowing him 

Try:  Thus it was I missed knowing my father

 

Capitalize "Mom":  the man who brought mom yellow roses

 

 

 

 

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <https://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20230701/747949ca/attachment.htm>