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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Training Wheels<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“Even” at six, a cautious child?-aren’t most six-year-olds cautious?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider: Nervous at six…wary…timid…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>His disabled daughter’s budding skill<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Relate back to Cautious…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider: his disabled daughter’s budding confidence<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>King Crab<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider consolidating: occasionally like to visit campground near Virginia Beach. I do that about every three years.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I visit campground near Virginia Beach about every three years.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>“more” instead of “of”: So, I guess I’ll only be doing that a couple of times before circumstances will force<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: So, I guess I’ll only be doing that a couple more times before circumstances will force<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Delete return: will force<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>me to quit<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Nice line-delete return: I think we’ll both<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>run out of gas at the same time.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reminds me of my Dad: one of those could-be final trips<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “it”: It was a huge creature.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The creature was huge.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Bite? Suddenly?: “Don’t worry, I won’t bite you,” he said suddenly.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you.” To my astonishment, he spoke.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Singular claw?: and had a huge claw, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Set of claws?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Funny line-consider semicolon: Then I proceeded to run up the shore. Well, I suppose it was a hurried walk. I hadn’t run for over 20 years.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I proceeded to run up the shore. Well, I suppose it was a hurried walk; I hadn’t run for over 20 years.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Great humor: This was a brave thing for me to do, because old codgers like me can’t get up that quickly once they’ve gone to ground.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Transformed<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nice story development<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Not a question: Each time she used the card, she lost some vision and the person she took it from gained some vision?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Clarify: When borrowing cards, the charge would go to the person she borrowed the card from. This card now had her name on it. Soon she would be getting a bill for the almost $500 in charges.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: When borrowing a card, charges would go to the person she borrowed the card from. This card now had her name on it. Soon she would get a bill for almost $500 in charges.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Good line, needs comma: I'm old not blind.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I'm old, not blind.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Word choice: Cleatta struggled with the decision of what to do. Did she go ahead and use the card and lose more vision,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Cleatta struggled with her decision. Should she go ahead and use the card and lose more vision,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Question mark: Did she go ahead and use the card and lose more vision, or write a check on her dwindling bank balance.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Also a question: She had resisted using the car today, but what about tomorrow and the next day.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Another question: What if the loss of vision was the payment.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>POV switches from 3<sup>rd</sup> to 1st?: I wonder if left over money disappears if someone takes the card. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Lost Father<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nice alliteration: I never knew the man my mother married.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Need commas: A gentle resilient strong Ojibwa<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: A gentle, resilient, strong Ojibwa<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use numeral :My mother was only seventeen<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Need comma, capitalize Army: My mother was only seventeen<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>An army corporal’s young wife at my birth.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: My mother was only 17,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>An Army corporal’s young wife at my birth.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Hyphenate?: a child bride<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use numeral: married at age fifteen<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: married at age 15<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Noun, not pronoun: Thus it was I missed knowing him <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Thus it was I missed knowing my father<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Capitalize “Mom”: the man who brought mom yellow roses<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>