[Critique Group 1] Marcia's January notes

[Marcia Wick]

Leonard Chloe

Need blank lines between paragraphs

 

Orient the doggie door: We had a fenced-in back yard with lots of room and a
doggie door which she quickly learned to use.

Try:  We had a doggie door which she quickly learned to use to play in the
fenced-in back yard with lots of room.

 

Rework:  When we got hold of her, Diane would ask her where she got out, and
so help me, she would show her. The collar was always at the place of
escape.

Try:  When we got hold of her, Diane would ask her where she gotten out. So
help me, Chloe would show her. Her collar always marked the place of her
escape.

 

Reword:  There was never a problem in finding where our puppy went.

Try:  Finding our puppy was never a problem.

 

Consolidate "avoid repeating careful, prospect, got along":  The people
there were very careful with whom they left a dog. They put the prospective
adoptee and Chloe in an enclosure together to make sure they got along. The
prospect was another female, and they were careful because females sometimes
don't get along.

Try:  The people there were particular with whom they left a dog. They put
the prospective female adoptee and Chloe in an enclosure together to make
sure they were compatible. Females sometimes don't get along.

 

Insert comma:  One day we came home

Try:  One day, we came home

 

Clean up:  Chloe's mouth was rubbed raw by something. However, there were no
cuts. We thought the two of them were playing and Chloe got stuck on
Ginger's collar. We imagined them both panicking and Ginger being strangled
by the collar. Or perhaps they got into a fight and the same scenario was
enacted.

Try:  Chloe's mouth was rubbed raw by something, but there were no cuts. We
speculated the two of them were playing or fighting when their collars
became entangled. We imagined them both panicking and Ginger inadvertently
being strangled. 

 

Missing emotion for loss of Ginger.

 

 

Cleora

 

WANTED: Nobody's

Try:  WANTED: Nobody

 

Poetry or prose?

Need periods

 

Punctuation:  nobody cares about violence in games movies & on TV nobody
checks out the candidates & issues so they can vote responsibly

Try:  nobody cares about violence in games, movies, &amp(ads or apps?);
nobody checks out the candidates and issues on TV so they can vote
responsibly

 

No line breaks?:  nobody cooks nobody conserves energy nobody does the right
thing nobody finishes what they start

 

Unnecessary:  property/things

Resources/things

nobody watches/pays attention

 

reword conclusion:  In a world where everyone wants to think they are
somebody, maybe if we had more nobodies and their companions someone else we
would have enough people working together to solve the problems we have in
the world. Let us not forget the best and most important nobody of all that
came to earth to give us hope

try:  In a world where everyone wants to think they are somebody, maybe if
we had fewer nobodies, there would be enough people working together to
solve the problems we have in the world. Let us not forget the best and most
important nobody of all who came to earth to give us hope.

 

 

Sally

 

Insert space:  TWILIGHTWITH TAMSIN

Try:  TWILIGHT WITH TAMSIN

 

Word choice:  and this hour before darkness falls.

Try:  As this hour before darkness falls.

 

Consider two sentences:  

Idly stroking her soft black coat,

I reflect on the oddity of time

in old age as days trundle  along

while years take flight of their own accord,

leaving elderly women and cats to wait

day after day until darkness comes.

Try:  

Idly stroking her soft black coat,

I reflect on the oddity of time.

in old age as days trundle  along,

Years take flight of their own accord,

leaving elderly women and cats to wait

day after day until darkness comes.

 

 

Deanna

 

Insert hyphen:  vee formation

Try:  vee-formation

 

Active verb:  Geese flying in a tight  vee formation

Try:  Geese fly in a tight  vee-formation

 

Order of words:  I walk briskly below them to keep warm.

Try:  I walk briskly to keep warm below them.

 

Word choice:  A longing for spring sunshine circles

Try:  A longing for spring sunshine soars/takes flight

 

Complete sentence:  Demanding I write spring into being,

Try:  I am compelled to write spring into being,

 

Verb tense:  no peace until I've  netted them in words,

a paean to sunshine and flowers.

Try:  no peace until I  net them in words,

 

paean? to sunshine and flowers.

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