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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Leonard Chloe<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Need blank lines between paragraphs</span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Orient the doggie door: We had a fenced-in back yard with lots of room and a doggie door which she quickly learned to use.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: We had a doggie door which she quickly learned to use to play in the fenced-in back yard with lots of room.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Rework: When we got hold of her, Diane would ask her where she got out, and so help me, she would show her. The collar was always at the place of escape.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: When we got hold of her, Diane would ask her where she gotten out. So help me, Chloe would show her. Her collar always marked the place of her escape.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Reword: There was never a problem in finding where our puppy went.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: Finding our puppy was never a problem.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Consolidate “avoid repeating careful, prospect, got along”: The people there were very careful with whom they left a dog. They put the prospective adoptee and Chloe in an enclosure together to make sure they got along. The prospect was another female, and they were careful because females sometimes don’t get along.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: The people there were particular with whom they left a dog. They put the prospective female adoptee and Chloe in an enclosure together to make sure they were compatible. Females sometimes don’t get along.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Insert comma: One day we came home<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: One day, we came home<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Clean up: Chloe’s mouth was rubbed raw by something. However, there were no cuts. We thought the two of them were playing and Chloe got stuck on Ginger’s collar. We imagined them both panicking and Ginger being strangled by the collar. Or perhaps they got into a fight and the same scenario was enacted.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: Chloe’s mouth was rubbed raw by something, but there were no cuts. We speculated the two of them were playing or fighting when their collars became entangled. We imagined them both panicking and Ginger inadvertently being strangled. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Missing emotion for loss of Ginger…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Cleora<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>WANTED: Nobody's<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: WANTED: Nobody<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Poetry or prose?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Need periods<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Punctuation: nobody cares about violence in games movies & on TV nobody checks out the candidates & issues so they can vote responsibly<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: nobody cares about violence in games, movies, &(ads or apps?); nobody checks out the candidates and issues on TV so they can vote responsibly<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>No line breaks?: nobody cooks nobody conserves energy nobody does the right thing nobody finishes what they start<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Unnecessary: property/things<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Resources/things<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>nobody watches/pays attention<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>reword conclusion: In a world where everyone wants to think they are somebody, maybe if we had more nobodies and their companions someone else we would have enough people working together to solve the problems we have in the world. Let us not forget the best and most important nobody of all that came to earth to give us hope<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: In a world where everyone wants to think they are somebody, maybe if we had fewer nobodies, there would be enough people working together to solve the problems we have in the world. Let us not forget the best and most important nobody of all who came to earth to give us hope.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Sally<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert space: TWILIGHTWITH TAMSIN<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: TWILIGHT WITH TAMSIN<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Word choice: and this hour before darkness falls.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: As this hour before darkness falls.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider two sentences: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Idly stroking her soft black coat,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I reflect on the oddity of time<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>in old age as days trundle along<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>while years take flight of their own accord,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>leaving elderly women and cats to wait<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>day after day until darkness comes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Idly stroking her soft black coat,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I reflect on the oddity of time.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>in old age as days trundle along,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Years take flight of their own accord,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>leaving elderly women and cats to wait<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>day after day until darkness comes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Deanna<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Insert hyphen: vee formation<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Try: vee-formation<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Active verb: Geese flying in a tight vee formation<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Try: Geese fly in a tight vee-formation<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Order of words: I walk briskly below them to keep warm.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Try: I walk briskly to keep warm below them.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Word choice: A longing for spring sunshine circles<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Try: A longing for spring sunshine soars/takes flight<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Complete sentence: Demanding I write spring into being,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Try: I am compelled to write spring into being,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Verb tense: no peace until I’ve netted them in words,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>a paean to sunshine and flowers.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Try: no peace until I net them in words,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'> paean? to sunshine and flowers.<o:p></o:p></p></div></body></html>