[Critique Group 1] DeAnna's critiques for Jan. 26th 2023

[Deanna Noriega]

January26submissions

 

Marcia

I think the line in the prologue that reads:

She stood and locked her 1978 day timer in her desk. 

Should say day planner instead. I thought at first, she had some sort of
time piece.

I like the descriptive language. The prologue was startling and graphic even
though I had read the first draft. Good work!


Sally

You are missing a space between the word Twilight and the word (with) in the
title.

The poem is beautiful, gentle and a little wistful.

There is an Aire of contentment too. This is a lovely poem as usual.



Leonard

 

The Scourge 

There is a blank line between the last two lines of the third verse. I don't
think you need it there.

Try: I think I have the Covid.

Do you think?


Cleora 
WANTED: Nobody's

I think you shouldn't have an apostrophe  in the title since you are talking
about many nobodies rather than something owned by   a nobody.

I think that if you are setting down the first nobodies as a list, then you
should continue all down that part in list form, or string them together
separated by semi colons as you have in the rest of the nobody phrases.
Consistency is clearer than switching partway through. Then start a new
section with a line break between the list and the excuses section.

I liked the humor aspect of somebodies and nobodies working together to
solve the worlds problems because of the reversal that this makes when the
negative lines are changed by context to indicate the the nobody actually
does the actions instead of not doing them.. 

 

 

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

Cell: 573-544-3511

Email:  <mailto:dqnoriega at gmail.com> dqnoriega at gmail.com

Author of Fifty Years of Walking with Friends

https://www.dldbooks.com/dqnoriega/

 

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