[Critique Group 1] Marcia's August notes

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora:  Dilemma

 

Overall, more concise, tighter story line

 

Still don't understand why she would hesitate to give back card

 

Reword "part":  The animal part was warm and had a leathery feel to it.

Try:  The animal icon (illustration) was warm and had a leathery feel to it.

 

Typically, a maid wouldn't see them leave-on her rounds:  Seeing the two
girls leave, Yolonda decided to go ahead and put fresh towels in their
rooms. She

 

Comma usage:  She made the bed, and gathered the used linens from the
bathroom. On her way out the dolphin card on the dresser caught her eye.

Try:  She made the bed and gathered the used linens from the bathroom. On
her way out, the dolphin card on the dresser caught her eye.

 

Inconsistent:  Nothing on the front. Nothing on the back either.

Then:  She looked closely at the card number.

 

confusing:  The police and the bank said there was no record of the card
ever being used after it was taken.

Normally, a stolen card is cancelled so it can't be used (maybe this is part
of the magic)

 

Be specific:  They would start home tomorrow after attending the dog
session.

Try:  They would start home tomorrow after attending the guide dog session.

 

Delete first period:  I don't think I've ever seen a card with a dolphin, on
it,"

Try:  I don't think I've ever seen a card with a dolphin on it,"

 

Question about choice of initials-these days, there is so much attention on
"ai":  My friends call me AI.

 

 

Sally:  Another Kind of Prayer

 

Choked me up:  the daily gratitudes stick in my throat,

lodged between a bout of grief and unexpected anger. 

 

Contradictory?:  Normally nourishing silence offers no repast,

and the day ahead echoes with emptiness.

Try:  Normally nourishing silence offers needed repast,

But the day ahead echoes with emptiness.

 

 

Deanna:  Forever Mama

 

Tense and 's:  Once she has become someone's mother,

When the umbillical's been cut, 

A piece of her heart starts beating,

in the control of another.

Try:  Once she becomes someone's mother (once she becomes a mother),

When the umbilical cord's been cut, 

A piece of her heart starts beating,

Under the control of another.

 

Delete or move comma:  She will hold a fussy baby while,

Her dinner grows cold on her plate.

Try:  She will hold a fussy baby while

Her dinner grows cold on her plate.

Or

She will hold a fussy baby, while,

Her dinner grows cold on her plate.

 

Strong illustration:  Though she is too tired to eat,

She will prepare his birthday cake.

 

Avoid adverb:  She will toss restlessly the first night,

Her child sleeps away from her care.

Try:  She will toss, restless the first night,

Her child sleeps away from her care.

Or

Restless, she will toss the first night,

Her child sleeps away from her care.

 

Incomplete sentence:  Wait up until she hears his key,

In the lock when her teen comes home.

Try:  She will wait up until she hears his key,

In the lock when her teen comes home.

Or

Use a semicolon after the preceding sentence

 

Insert quote marks:  It's cold --Don't forget your sweater!

Try:  "It's cold --Don't forget your sweater!"

 

 

Leonard:  Where Did the Four Inches Go?

 

Title:  I'm Shrinking - My Disappearing Act (less literal)

 

Style:  My upward ascent settled at 5-foot-9.

Chicago:  five feet nine inches

AP:  5 feet 9 inches

Use hyphens when modifying (adjective:  6-foot son

 

Reword:  Maybe add a measly centimeter,

Try:  Plus or minus a measly centimeter,

 

Punctuation (which refers to measly centimeter):  My upward ascent settled
at 5-foot-9.

Maybe add a measly centimeter,

which is considered neither short nor tall.

Try:  My upward ascent settled at 5 feet 9,

Plus or minus a measly centimeter,

Which is Considered neither short nor tall.

 

"with" 2X:  Being quite unconcerned with comparisons

with  other persons' relative loftiness --

try:  Being quite unconcerned with comparison

to other persons' relative loftiness --

 

Not a sentence:  Being quite unconcerned with comparisons

with  other persons' relative loftiness --

no consciousness of staring up or down.

Try:  Being quite unconcerned with comparison

To the relative loftiness  of other people,

I wasn't conscious of staring up or down.

 

word choice:  Age has swept away my prominence.

Try:  Age has squashed my prominence.

Compressed/compacted/pressed down.

 

Nice finish:  Where, oh where, have these 4 inches gone?

 

 

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