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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora: Dilemma<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Overall, more concise, tighter story line<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Still don’t understand why she would hesitate to give back card<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword “part”: The animal part was warm and had a leathery feel to it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The animal icon (illustration) was warm and had a leathery feel to it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Typically, a maid wouldn’t see them leave-on her rounds: Seeing the two girls leave, Yolonda decided to go ahead and put fresh towels in their rooms. She<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comma usage: She made the bed, and gathered the used linens from the bathroom. On her way out the dolphin card on the dresser caught her eye.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She made the bed and gathered the used linens from the bathroom. On her way out, the dolphin card on the dresser caught her eye.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Inconsistent: Nothing on the front. Nothing on the back either.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Then: She looked closely at the card number.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>confusing: The police and the bank said there was no record of the card ever being used after it was taken.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Normally, a stolen card is cancelled so it can’t be used (maybe this is part of the magic)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Be specific: They would start home tomorrow after attending the dog session.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: They would start home tomorrow after attending the guide dog session.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete first period: I don't think I've ever seen a card with a dolphin, on it,”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I don't think I've ever seen a card with a dolphin on it,”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Question about choice of initials-these days, there is so much attention on “ai”: My friends call me AI.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally: Another Kind of Prayer<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Choked me up: the daily gratitudes stick in my throat,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>lodged between a bout of grief and unexpected anger. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Contradictory?: Normally nourishing silence offers no repast,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>and the day ahead echoes with emptiness.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Normally nourishing silence offers needed repast,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>But the day ahead echoes with emptiness.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna: Forever Mama<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'>Tense and ‘s: </span>Once she has become someone's mother,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>When the umbillical's been cut, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>A piece of her heart starts beating,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>in the control of another.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'>Try: </span>Once she becomes someone's mother (once she becomes a mother),<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>When the umbilical cord's been cut, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>A piece of her heart starts beating,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Under the control of another.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='mso-ligatures:standardcontextual'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete or move comma: She will hold a fussy baby while,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Her dinner grows cold on her plate.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She will hold a fussy baby while<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Her dinner grows cold on her plate.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She will hold a fussy baby, while,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Her dinner grows cold on her plate.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Strong illustration: Though she is too tired to eat,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She will prepare his birthday cake.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid adverb: She will toss restlessly the first night,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Her child sleeps away from her care.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She will toss, restless the first night,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-indent:.5in'>Her child sleeps away from her care.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Restless, she will toss the first night,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Her child sleeps away from her care.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Incomplete sentence: Wait up until she hears his key,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>In the lock when her teen comes home.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She will wait up until she hears his key,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>In the lock when her teen comes home.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use a semicolon after the preceding sentence<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert quote marks: It's cold --Don't forget your sweater!<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “It's cold --Don't forget your sweater!”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard: Where Did the Four Inches Go?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Title: I’m Shrinking – My Disappearing Act (less literal)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Style: My upward ascent settled at 5-foot-9.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Chicago: five feet nine inches<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>AP: 5 feet 9 inches<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Use hyphens when modifying (adjective: 6-foot son<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Reword: Maybe add a measly centimeter,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Plus or minus a measly centimeter,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Punctuation (which refers to measly centimeter): My upward ascent settled at 5-foot-9.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Maybe add a measly centimeter,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>which is considered neither short nor tall.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: My upward ascent settled at 5 feet 9,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Plus or minus a measly centimeter,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Which is Considered neither short nor tall.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>“with” 2X: Being quite unconcerned with comparisons<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>with other persons’ relative loftiness --<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>try: Being quite unconcerned with comparison<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>to other persons’ relative loftiness --<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Not a sentence: Being quite unconcerned with comparisons<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>with other persons’ relative loftiness --<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>no consciousness of staring up or down.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Being quite unconcerned with comparison<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>To the relative loftiness of other people,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>I wasn’t conscious of staring up or down.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>word choice: Age has swept away my prominence.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Age has squashed my prominence.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Compressed/compacted/pressed down…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Nice finish: Where, oh where, have these 4 inches gone?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>