[Critique Group 1] Sally's August comments

[sanford.rosenthal at comcast.net]

Sally's August comments:

Leonard: I really like this poem.  The theme is universal for anyone who is
aging.  The phrase "upward ascent" is a little awkward, but I don't have a
good alternative.  There should not be a period after "five-foot nine" since
the following two lines are part of the sentence. I would suggest making
that period a comma and setting off the next line with a comma and put the
period at the end of the following line.  There is an extra space between
"with" and "other." The lines "Being" and the next few are treated as a
sentence ending with a period, but they are just a phrase.  Could you either
make them into a sentence or incorporate the phrase with other lines?  I
like the sense of lament and the playfulness of the last line.  I am not
sure if you meant to have a line between each line of the poem or if this is
just a formatting error.

Marcia:  I like the rather staccato  rhythm and the lack of paragraphs.  It
works for me.  I would make the "It's" that begins the piece "It has."  I
think the point that comes across is that, given the bad things, you have
survived and arrived at a place of hard-won peace of a sort.  Your wondering
about what to share at the reunion is nicely matched with the wondering how
much others will share.  I think you make the point that none of your
classmates will have arrived unscathed, either, but the suspicion that the
conversation will be shallow is no doubt correct.  Nicely done.

Cleora: This version is much tidier.  In the opening paragraph, you need to
let the reader know what sort of conference it is.  The story needs some
kind of break between the part about Cleta and Rachel and when Yolanda
appears or some kind of transition.  I am not clear about how Audrey knows
it is Cleta at the bar when she begins talking to her.  Why would Audrey
tell Cleta to bring a cane to the meeting tomorrow?  Even if Cleta returned
the card, she wouldn't get her vision back immediately.         

DeAnna:  Lovely and poignant.  I wouldn't make any changes.

 

 

  
 

 

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