[Critique Group 1] Sally's October comments

[sanford.rosenthal at comcast.net]

Sally's October comments:

Cleora:  When I read this article, it seemed to be split into two parts: the
one about your experience and the one about the background of a roadrunner.
The article would work much better if you incorporated the background
information into the part about your experience.  That experience is what
you are really focusing on.  In addition, the article ends abruptly and
doesn't have a main theme or point you want to share with readers.

DeAnna: In the first line, there are three blank spaces after the word
"whipped."  You mention "iris" as one of the flowers killed off, but, later
Iris with a capital I is presented as a fairy.  This is confusing,
especially in a short piece.  There doesn't need to be a comma after the
word "moonlight" but in the same sentence the M in Midsummer's needs to be
capitalized to match Eve.  Overall, I thought this was aplayful presentation
of an important topic such as habitat encroachment.  I liked the interplay
among animals, plants, and fairies.  Good idea about the tennis ball and
poison ivy, but why not personify the poison ivy?

Leonard:  I like the mysterious affinity to sailing.  Do you need to use the
word "toy" twice:  i.e, "toy boat" and "toy store"?  You might have been
young, but you were shrewd and saw an opportunity to get your demand met
even though you knew it was rude and could end in a spanking.  I like the
way your father joined into the sailing and was able to make an adjustment
to keep your boat upright.  This has a sense of wonder and childlike
assuredness.

Marcia: I can't recall reading the previous month's chapter, so perhaps that
plays into my confusion.  This is a very busy and active chapter with almost
too much going on all at one time, but maybe this is meant to mirror all the
sights and sounds of the festival.  I like the way the suspense builds.  I
want more!

 

       

 

 

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