[Critique Group 1] Cleora's October Notes

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

comments for Leonard
I liked it.
It is wordy, but it gets the point across and moves along.
we went to the city park which was in walking distance
consider we walked to the city park
... a sailing pond existed. The pond was surrounded by an oblong concrete wall which contained about two feet of water.
consider
a 2 feet deep sailing pond surrounded by a concrete wall
pushed it over on its side redundant
consider pushed it over where it lay like a dead fish
went to work on the difficulty
consider went to work on the cure which consisted
second reference to dead fish unnecessary
On the rewrite, a lot can be reworded and cut out to make it smoother and more concise without losing the feel of a childhood experience
It turns out that belly up does come from a fish or other dead animal laying on its back in the water.
comments for Sally
t a couple of copies in the same email; one may be a little different. I'm not sure. Didn’t know which was the right one
Sally: Yes, that was because of my quick fumble fingers.
Cleora: This is a beautiful dream.
I think the first part “Random nights”
Or the 2nd part “through the alchemy of dreaming”
either one would make a fitting title.
I take it this is a dream of events that could have been but weren't
we go from Halloween to Christmas
when I read it a 2nd time I wondered if the raspberries & muffins are for thanksgiving
is the country cottage also part of the dream
returns another time for dreams of harvest & community
This could be a reference to thanksgiving,
but at the end, I don't think so.
Not sure if I am interpreting it correctly, but it is a beautiful dream.
comments for Marsha
reads like you're Just getting the action down and then will go back to clean it up.
Carl is startled. surprised.
no need to say he stared in astonishment.
we get it.
maybe put Carl glanced my way after unwanted answers to break up the dialog and insert a simulated pause
you lapsed into first person where it had been in 3rd person until here
then "this is my stop" followed with Robbie wasn't any closer
that's quite a tool that can cut a hole in 1 foot thick ice
black water cold as hell doesn't make sense to me
hell isn't cold. I know people sometimes talk this way, but to me it doesn't make sense.
the sentence where Chicky comes into the hut and coffee on the stove and whiskey on the cooler.
first I noticed "she" used twice and thought about ways to take away the second she
I didn't come up with anything I liked that I thought would do what you're trying to do.
Maybe you can look at this and see a way to not use she twice so close together.
lots of conflict and confusion going on
Veronica feeling the pressure
In this case, the main focus is the contest and Robbie’s participation in it. So, I would pick Robbie for the POV. Otherwise, you have a problem when he is in the tent getting everything ready to fish.
Just a thought, perhaps Robbie can read lips or is close enough at times to actually hear what each of the different people are saying.
comments for DeAnna
LOL I love this kind of piece.
Didn’t see anything in particular to consider changing.
didn't pick up on the fairy until the 2nd read thru
is this to be continued?
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