[Critique Group 1] Marcia's October comments

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora:

Roadrunner

 

Need space:  to get something fromthe front yard

Try:  to get something from the front yard

onthe very peak,

a pairof binoculars

in time to see him run tothe other side

There he was lookingdown at me

Five times wedid this dance

Haveit your way,"

I looked up andhe was gone.

Twospecies

 

Rephrase:  Finally, in utter frustration, "Okay, you shy bird. Haveit your
way," I said.

Try:  Finally, in utter frustration, I said, "Okay, you shy bird. Have it
your way." 

 

Redundant, incomplete sentence:  No idea how he came to be there or when he
left.

 

Parentheses unnecessary:  (such as grasshoppers, crickets, caterpillars, and
beetles),

Try:  Their diet normally consists of insects such as grasshoppers,
crickets, caterpillars, and beetles, as well as small reptiles like lizards
and snakes (including rattlesnakes), rodents, and other small mammals. They
also eat spiders including tarantulas and scorpions, centipedes, snails,
small birds, nestlings, and eggs, in addition to fruits and seeds like those
from prickly pear, cactuses, and sumacs.

 

Include conjunction:  It may leap to catch insects, andcommonly batters
certain prey against the ground.

Try:  It may leap to catch insects, and andcommonly batters certain prey
against the ground.

 

Animal?:  the roadrunner is one of the few animals that preys upon
rattlesnakes

 

 

Deanna:

The Wrong Folk

 

Space before quote, need blank line, need closing quote, word choice?:
"Damn it! Humans make awful neighbors! SHE FUMED.

Try:  "Darn it! Humans make awful neighbors!" she fumed. (all caps)

 

Delete return:  those who already live where they

build their houses

 

Oxford comma?:  They murdered the goldenrod, iris and buttercups to put in a
tennis court.

Try:  They murdered the goldenrod, iris, and buttercups to put in a tennis
court.

 

Delete comma:  "This was such a magical place to dance in the moonlight, on
midsummer's Eve," mourned Iris.

Try:  "This was such a magical place to dance in the moonlight on
midsummer's Eve," mourned Iris.

 

Delete comma:  "What if we make it so unpleasant for them, they decide not
to stay?"

Try:  "What if we make it so unpleasant for them they decide not to stay?"

 

Comma introductory phrase, oxford comma?:  The problem is we are vulnerable
to their chemical poisons, traps and mechanical devices," warned Sassy.

Try:  The problem is, we are vulnerable to their chemical poisons, traps,
and mechanical devices," warned Sassy.

 

Comma set off name:  You can act as lookout Sassy and

Try:  You can act as lookout, Sassy, and

 

Example of blank line before new quote:  

"Let's roll that tennis ball

 

 

Leonard:

Affinity for Sailing

 

Wordy:  Sailing has always been extremely important to me.

Try:  I have always longed to sail.

 

Redundant and more direct:  yet the first instance that I saw

Try:  yet the instant I saw

 

Very relatable:  I knew I had to have it.

 

New paragraph/break into two sentences:  I don't remember how old I was, but
it was before I was allowed to cross the street by myself, so I   reckon it
had to be around the corner, where the toy store was.

Try:  I don't remember how old I was, but it was before I was allowed to
cross the street by myself. I   reckon I lived around the corner from the
toy store.

 

Tense:  I don't recall whether I had been going to kindergarten yet, but I
had to be very young.

Try:  I don't recall whether I was going to kindergarten yet, but I was very
young. (had to be three words.had to have been.)

 

New paragraph (blank line):  My parents were entertaining

 

Simplify punctuation:  My parents were entertaining at the time, and I was
free to roam through the neighborhood, as long as I remained on the block.

Try:  My parents were entertaining at the time, so I was free to roam
through the neighborhood as long as I remained on the block.

 

Introductory phrase:  In those days kids were a lot freer to explore than
they are today, when parents have to contend with all manners of adult
misbehavior directed at children.

Try:  In those days, kids were (delete a lot) freer to explore than they are
now. Today, parents have to contend with all manner (not plural)  of adult
misbehavior directed at children.

 

Wordy, interfering with intensity of emotion:  Anyway, there was the toy
sailboat, and I knew it had to be mine.

Try:  There was the toy sailboat and it had to be mine.

 

More direct:  After being enthralled by the sailboat,

Try:  Enthralled by the sailboat,

 

Redundant,petulant, urgent:  I rushed home immediately and broke into the
grownup conversation and demanded that my parents buy me the boat.

Try:  I rushed home and broke into the grownup (grown-up?) conversation. I
demanded (delete that) my parents buy me the boat.

 

Tense:  They didn't want to have to discipline me in front of their company.


Try:  They didn't want to discipline me in front of their company. 

 

More direct:  I knew the stakes were high when I began this offensive.

Try:  The stakes were high when I began this offensive.

 

More direct:  I knew I had to have the sailing vessel.

Try:  I had to have the sailing vessel.

 

It.diminishes what it is/use alliteration:  My father went with me to the
store and bought it.

Try:  My father went with me to the store and bought the boat for me.

 

Unnecessary?:  I had no choice.

 

Delete "which" and comma:  We went to the city park which was within walking
distance, where a sailing pond existed.

Try:  We went to the city park within walking distance where a sailing pond
existed.

 

Long sentence:  The sailors would set the sails and rudders and let the wind
take them, while they would run to the place on the side of the pond that
they anticipated their models would land, and gently use their hands to
prevent them from crashing into the side.

Try:  The sailors would set the sails and rudders, and let the wind take the
boats away. They would run to the side of the pond they anticipated their
models would land, and gently use their hands to prevent their prize vessels
from crashing into the side.

 

Alternate word:  and that told me it was in the same class, somehow.

Try:  and that convinced me it was in the same class, somehow.

 

Fun:  like a fish gone belly up.

 

Reword?:  its hapless journey

Try:  its happy journey

 

Reword (toy was real):  it was not a real boat, and I longed for one.

Try:  it was a toy boat, and I longed for a real one.

 

 

Sally:

Untitled

 

Title?

 

Reword:  to become the jack o' lantern we had not carved in life.

Try:  to become the jack o' lantern we had never carved in life.

Or

to become the jack o' lantern we never carved in life.

 

Consider don't need possessive:  we will hang on our country cottage's door

Try:  we will hang on our country cottage door

 

Strong sentiment:  In the darkness of the present,

 

Reword:  to return another time in dreams of harvest and community.  

Try:  to return in dreams of harvest and community.  

 

 

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <https://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20221026/0c42e0f3/attachment.htm>