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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Roadrunner<o:p></o:p></p><p><o:p> </o:p></p><p>Need space: to get something fromthe front yard<o:p></o:p></p><p>Try: to get something from the front yard<o:p></o:p></p><p>onthe very peak,<o:p></o:p></p><p>a pairof binoculars<o:p></o:p></p><p>in time to see him run tothe other side<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>There he was lookingdown at me<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Five times wedid this dance<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Haveit your way,"<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I looked up andhe was gone.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Twospecies<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Rephrase: Finally, in utter frustration, "Okay, you shy bird. Haveit your way," I said.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Finally, in utter frustration, I said, "Okay, you shy bird. Have it your way." <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant, incomplete sentence: No idea how he came to be there or when he left.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Parentheses unnecessary: (such as grasshoppers, crickets, caterpillars, and beetles),<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Their diet normally consists of insects such as grasshoppers, crickets, caterpillars, and beetles, as well as small reptiles like lizards and snakes (including rattlesnakes), rodents, and other small mammals. They also eat spiders including tarantulas and scorpions, centipedes, snails, small birds, nestlings, and eggs, in addition to fruits and seeds like those from prickly pear, cactuses, and sumacs.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Include conjunction: It may leap to catch insects, andcommonly batters certain prey against the ground.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: It may leap to catch insects, and andcommonly batters certain prey against the ground.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Animal?: the roadrunner is one of the few animals that preys upon rattlesnakes<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The Wrong Folk<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Space before quote, need blank line, need closing quote, word choice?: “Damn it! Humans make awful neighbors! SHE FUMED.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “Darn it! Humans make awful neighbors!” she fumed. (all caps)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete return: those who already live where they<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>build their houses<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Oxford comma?: They murdered the goldenrod, iris and buttercups to put in a tennis court.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: They murdered the goldenrod, iris, and buttercups to put in a tennis court.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma: “This was such a magical place to dance in the moonlight, on midsummer’s Eve,” mourned Iris.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “This was such a magical place to dance in the moonlight on midsummer’s Eve,” mourned Iris.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma: “What if we make it so unpleasant for them, they decide not to stay?”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “What if we make it so unpleasant for them they decide not to stay?”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comma introductory phrase, oxford comma?: The problem is we are vulnerable to their chemical poisons, traps and mechanical devices,” warned Sassy.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The problem is, we are vulnerable to their chemical poisons, traps, and mechanical devices,” warned Sassy.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comma set off name: You can act as lookout Sassy and<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: You can act as lookout, Sassy, and<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in'>Example of blank line before new quote: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“Let’s roll that tennis ball<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Affinity for Sailing<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Wordy: Sailing has always been extremely important to me.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: I have always longed to sail.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Redundant and more direct: yet the first instance that I saw<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: yet the instant I saw<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Very relatable: <span style='color:black'>I knew I had to have it.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>New paragraph/break into two sentences: <span style='color:black'>I don’t remember how old I was, but it was before I was allowed to cross the street by myself, so I reckon it had to be around the corner, where the toy store was.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: I don’t remember how old I was, but it was before I was allowed to cross the street by myself. I reckon I lived around the corner from the toy store.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense: <span style='color:black'>I don’t recall whether I had been going to kindergarten yet, but I had to be very young.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: I don’t recall whether I was going to kindergarten yet, but I was very young. (had to be three words…had to have been…)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>New paragraph (blank line): <span style='color:black'>My parents were entertaining<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Simplify punctuation: <span style='color:black'>My parents were entertaining at the time, and I was free to roam through the neighborhood, as long as I remained on the block.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: My parents were entertaining at the time, so I was free to roam through the neighborhood as long as I remained on the block.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Introductory phrase: <span style='color:black'>In those days kids were a lot freer to explore than they are today, when parents have to contend with all manners of adult misbehavior directed at children.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: In those days, kids were (delete a lot) freer to explore than they are now. Today, parents have to contend with all manner (not plural) of adult misbehavior directed at children.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Wordy, interfering with intensity of emotion: <span style='color:black'>Anyway, there was the toy sailboat, and I knew it had to be mine.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: There was the toy sailboat and it had to be mine.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>More direct: <span style='color:black'>After being enthralled by the sailboat,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Enthralled by the sailboat,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant,petulant, urgent: <span style='color:black'>I rushed home immediately and broke into the grownup conversation and demanded that my parents buy me the boat.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: I rushed home and broke into the grownup (grown-up?) conversation. I demanded (delete that) my parents buy me the boat.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense: <span style='color:black'>They didn’t want to have to discipline me in front of their company. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>They didn’t want to discipline me in front of their company. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>More direct: <span style='color:black'>I knew the stakes were high when I began this offensive.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: The stakes were high when I began this offensive.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>More direct: <span style='color:black'>I knew I had to have the sailing vessel.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: I had to have the sailing vessel.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>It…diminishes what it is/use alliteration: My father went with me to the store and bought it.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: My father went with me to the store and bought the boat for me.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Unnecessary?: I had no choice.</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “which” and comma: <span style='color:black'>We went to the city park which was within walking distance, where a sailing pond existed.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: We went to the city park within walking distance where a sailing pond existed.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Long sentence: <span style='color:black'>The sailors would set the sails and rudders and let the wind take them, while they would run to the place on the side of the pond that they anticipated their models would land, and gently use their hands to prevent them from crashing into the side.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: The sailors would set the sails and rudders, and let the wind take the boats away. They would run to the side of the pond they anticipated their models would land, and gently use their hands to prevent their prize vessels from crashing into the side.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Alternate word: <span style='color:black'>and that told me it was in the same class, somehow.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: and that convinced me it was in the same class, somehow.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Fun: <span style='color:black'>like a fish gone belly up.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword?: <span style='color:black'>its hapless journey<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: its happy journey<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword (toy was real): <span style='color:black'>it was not a real boat, and I longed for one.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: it was a toy boat, and I longed for a real one.</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Untitled<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: to become the jack o’ lantern we had not carved in life.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: to become the jack o’ lantern we had never carved in life.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>to become the jack o’ lantern we never carved in life.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider don’t need possessive: we will hang on our country cottage’s door<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: we will hang on our country cottage door<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Strong sentiment: In the darkness of the present,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: to return another time in dreams of harvest and community. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: to return in dreams of harvest and community. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>