[Critique Group 1] Marcia's November notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally:  

 

Title:  A Pinch of Ivy's Love

Or

Hands in Motion

 

Hands in motion vivid image

 

Invert?:  Great-Aunt Ivy and I, hands in motion,

perched on a worn wooden bench, shell peas 

picked early that morning for supper.

Try:  Hands in motion,Great-Aunt Ivy and I, 

perched on a worn wooden bench, shell peas 

picked early that morning for supper.

 

A pan's bottom? chuckle  

 

Cherish the memory

 

 

Deanna:

A Gathering Place

 

Title:  A Gathering Place of Hopes and Dreams

Try:  A Gathering Place for Hopes and Dreams

Or

How Could It Not Be so

 

Powerful message acknowledges our shared humanity.

 

Strengthen by using periods more than commas. 

How could it not be so? Keep as Stand alone sentence.

 

Example:  

We stand here together as the heart of a nation,

Whose people have come from many far places. 

The first to come arrived on foot over a land bridge.

They came seeking a brighter future for their children.

How could it not be so?

 

 

Leonard:

Swamp Gnome

 

Fun detail:  His shoes were pointed and so was his hat, though it could have
used some starch.

 

Avoid having to have:  "So. you're not really human," I said, having a hard
time not to have a derisive tone in my voice.

Try:  fighting to control the derisive tone in my voice.

 

Rework "flabby" words:  I just stared at him. He stared right back. I was
really at a loss for words. But there was something about him that said
'gnome.'

Try:  I stared at him. He stared right back. I was at a loss for words, but
something about him said 'gnome.'

 

Profound:  "I have a problem in thinking as myself as not alive," I
protested.

Try:  "I have a problem thinking of myself as not alive," I protested.

 

Clarify:  But your kind of life is absolutely insignificant.

 

Heavy:  I began to feel my solidity dissolving and a swamp replacing my
existence.

"Stop it!" I cried. "You're driving me out of my mind.

 

Typo:  has already be done

Has already been done

 

Clever ending

 

 

Cleora:

For Better or Worse

 

Controversial - your premise is that breaking the law is the challenge 

 

The dominant gay - stereotyping, making generalization about balance in
partnership

 

Delete "gay":  Jamie, Paul's gay partner,

Try:  Jamie, Paul's partner,

 

Wonder what happens if we all refused to do business with those of other
faiths? 

 

1st century, now 21st century

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