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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title: A Pinch of Ivy’s Love<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Hands in Motion<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Hands in motion vivid image<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Invert?: Great-Aunt Ivy and I, hands in motion,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>perched on a worn wooden bench, shell peas <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>picked early that morning for supper.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Hands in motion,Great-Aunt Ivy and I, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>perched on a worn wooden bench, shell peas <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>picked early that morning for supper.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>A pan’s bottom? chuckle <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cherish the memory<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>A Gathering Place<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center;text-indent:.5in'>Title: A Gathering Place of Hopes and Dreams<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center;text-indent:.5in'>Try: A Gathering Place for Hopes and Dreams<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>How Could It Not Be so<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Powerful message acknowledges our shared humanity.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Strengthen by using periods more than commas. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>How could it not be so? Keep as Stand alone sentence.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Example: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>We stand here together as the heart of a nation,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Whose people have come from many far places. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The first to come arrived on foot over a land bridge.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>They came seeking a brighter future for their children.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>How could it not be so?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Swamp Gnome<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Fun detail: <span style='color:black'>His shoes were pointed and so was his hat, though it could have used some starch.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Avoid having to have: “So… you’re not really human,” I said, <a name="OLE_LINK9">having a hard time not to have a derisive tone in my voice.</a><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>fighting to control the derisive tone in my voice.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Rework “flabby” words: <span style='color:black'>I just stared at him. He stared right back. I was really at a loss for words. But there was something about him that said ‘gnome.’<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>I stared at him. He stared right back. I was at a loss for words, but something about him said ‘gnome.’<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Profound: <span style='color:black'>“I have a problem in thinking as myself as not alive,” I protested.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>“I have a problem thinking of myself as not alive,” I protested.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Clarify: <span style='color:black'>But your kind of life is absolutely insignificant.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Heavy: <span style='color:black'>I began to feel my solidity dissolving and a swamp replacing my existence.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>“Stop it!” I cried. “You’re driving me out of my mind.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Typo: has already be done<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Has already been done<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Clever ending<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>For Better or Worse<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Controversial – your premise is that breaking the law is the challenge <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>The dominant gay – stereotyping, making generalization about balance in partnership<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “gay”: Jamie, Paul's gay partner,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Jamie, Paul's partner,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Wonder what happens if we all refused to do business with those of other faiths? <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>1<sup>st</sup> century, now 21<sup>st</sup> century<o:p></o:p></p></div></body></html>