[Critique Group 1] Marcia's August comments

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora:

Misty final chapter

 

novella average 40,000 words

 

meaning?:  "I don't smell bacon cooking. Grandma Conner must be here."

 

Reword:  Misty picked her cell phone up off the bedside table and saw that
she had one message.

Try:  Misty picked her cell phone up off the bedside table, anxious to see
if the message she hoped for had arrived.

 

Reword:  Finally it was over.

Try:  Finally the meal was over.

 

Delete comma:  I have all my credits, to graduate

Try:  I have all my credits to graduate

 

Comma, not period:  "Besides," said Misty. "You were talking about having us
together

Try:  "Besides," said Misty, "you were talking about having us together

 

Reword:  Misty was right about her guess that the big package was a new ski
jacket, Connie had given her bottle of her favorite perfume.

Try:  Misty was right about her guess that the big package held a new ski
jacket, and Connie had given her a bottle of her favorite perfume.

 

Her new jacket?:  Misty went to her jacket hanging in the hall. She put it
on and took the notepad out of the pocket.

 

Pronoun confusing:  "I did it," she said. "I really did do it."

Try:  "I did it," Misty said. "I really did do it."

 

 

Sally:

Damage Repair

 

Reword:  A skillful urologist will put

My renal system into working order.

Try:  I trust the skillful urologist will put

My renal system into working order.

 

Poignant/reword:  

Dare I request additional tests

To learn if the same could be done 

For my shattered, sorrow-filled heart

Try:  Dare I request additional tests

To learn if the same could be done 

To repair my shattered, sorrow-filled heart

 

 

Leonard:

When Words Are a Barrier

 

Title:  When Words Are a Barrier

Try:  When Words Fail

 

Reword:  When words stand against understanding, 

Try:  When words stand as a barrier against understanding, 

 

Good line:  Vexation expands like boiling water, 

 

Warm conclusion/avoid "gentle" 2X:  

In the night, a tiny, gentle  touch 

begins the gentle process of  healing. 

 

 

Deanna:

Getting a Guide Dog

 

Title:  Getting a Guide Dog Over 70

Try:  Getting a Guide Dog After Age 70

 

Reword:  In July,

Try:  This July,

 

Reword:  He had escorted me from the car or para-transit into familiar
locations.

Try:  He had only been escorting me from the car or para-transit into
familiar locations.

 

Reword:  His pull was light and pace more of a saunter.

Try:  His pull was light and his pace more of a saunter.

 

Delete comma:  would be like learning to dance with a new partner, who was
taller or shorter.

Try:  would be like learning to dance with a new partner who was taller or
shorter.

 

reword:  She might  forget to keep focused on guiding if another dog
approached.

Try:  She might  forget to focus on guiding if another dog approached.

 

Reword:  New dog might sniff, scavenge, or eagerly greet everyone.

Try:  A new dog might sniff, scavenge, or eagerly greet everyone.

 

Great line:  Meeting a potential new guide dog is like being a
mail-order-bride, or the ultimate blind-date.

Hyphenate:  mail-order bride

 

reword:  I did those things and as a result was matched

try:  I did my part and, as a result, was matched

 

insert dash:  two Year-old

try:  two-year-old

 

insert conjunction:  research programs that train them.

Try:  and research programs that train them.

 

Delete "then":  Then, as long as you are in reasonably good helth,

Try:  As long as you are in reasonably good helth,

 

 

 

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