[Critique Group 1] Marcia's March notes

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna

Spring

 

I didn't mention this on our call, but consider a title less generic than
Spring like Pink Promises.

 

punctuation:  use period instead of comma at end of first stanza

Golden sunbeams kiss my face,

A chilly breeze ruffles my hair.

At the southern edge of the deck,

An old tree lifts twisted branches.

 

 

Leonard

Old Maggie Magnolia

 

Use number?:  thirty-three years ago

Try:  33 years ago

 

Reword:  we wondered whether she would exist at all.

Try:  we wondered whether she would survive at all.

 

Wording:  and tell us our Maggie was here to stay. 

Try:  and assure us our Maggie was here to stay. 

 

Reword:  Increasing her range, high, wide, and her base. 

Try:  Increasing her range, height, width, and base. 

 

Typo: Maggie's branches where ripped

Try:  Maggie's branches were ripped

 

Typo:  her bark which speak of disease

Try:  her bark which speaks of disease

 

 

Sally

Jelly Beans

 

Capitalize?:  jelly beans

 

Tense:  he bought a bag and made it last,

Try:  He'd buy a bag and make it last,

 

Delete commas:  one bitter Winter day, I wished,

against all odds, for a bag of

sugary love from a warmer season

to place upon the mounds of earth on his  grave.

Try:  one bitter Winter day, I wished

against all odds for a bag of

sugary love from a warmer season

to place upon the mounds of earth on his  grave.

 

 

Cleora

Chapter Three

 

Move comma:  The back door opened, and a young man wearing a light jacket
stepped through closing the door behind him.

Try:  The back door opened and a young man wearing a light jacket stepped
through, closing the door behind him. (could delete "behind him" - implied)

 

Delete "his" and "started" and "pants":  He bounded down the steps and, his
hands in his pants pockets, started walking purposefully in the direction of
the field behind the house.

Try:  He bounded down the steps and, hands in his pockets, walked
purposefully in the direction of the field behind the house.

 

Start new paragraph with quote:  The argument seemed to have something to do
with a dodger one of the men had picked up as a souvenir.

 

What is "it":  Get rid of it.

Try:  Get rid of the poster.

 

Reword:  There were sounds like someone getting up and shuffling toward the
entrance.

Try:  It sounded like someone stood and began shuffling toward the entrance.

 

Reword:  He settled on a bush a few feet from the entrance and dived behind
it just as a short stocky man holding a poster appeared at the mouth of the
cave.

Try:  He dove behind a bush a few feet from the entrance just in time. A
short stocky man holding a poster appeared at the mouth of the cave.

 

Attribution unclear:  "Well, what do we have here

 

Delete second comma:  The boy jumped up and tried to run, but the man
blocked his way, and held him firmly in a vise grip.

Try:  The boy jumped up and tried to run, but the man blocked his way and
held him firmly in a vise grip.

 

Delete "started":  Holding the boy firmly, the man started back into the
cave dragging the boy along with him.

Try:  Holding the boy firmly, the man dragged him back into the cave.

 

Use period or question mark at end:  "You're not going to kill him,"

Try:  "You're not going to kill him."

 

Too wordy, slows action, focus on characters, not every dance step:  Misty
saw a bottle and thought about making it roll over to the boy and breaking
it, but that might wake the men and besides, she didn't think the glass
would be able to cut through the bungie. Somehow, she decided, she would
have to help the boy untie himself. Then, she saw the hooks on the end of
the cord. If the boy could work the hook into the knot, maybe he could
loosen it.  She moved over to the boy and began to pushed the hook against
the boys hand when the boy adjusted his position. At first the boy didn't
seem to notice. Each time he moved, she tried pushing the hook against his
hand again. Finally, his eyes grew wide, and his brow furrowed. He moved his
hand around the hook. He has the idea, Misty thought. It took several
minutes, but after a while the boy had his hands free. He sat up and untied
his feet. Rising quietly, he started to move toward the entrance.  The man
called Joe stirred. The boy froze. Joe turned over, and opened his eyes.
"Hey," he shouted. Suddenly, the other man was awake. The boy started to
run. Both men were after him like a shot.

 

Misty followed them out of the cave. The boy slipped in the mud and the
other man grabbed his coat, but Joe ran into him causing him to lose his
grip. The boy struggled to his feet and ran. The other man swore as he
pushed Joe off him, got to his feet and ran after the boy. Joe got up and
followed. Misty followed.

 

For example:  Misty spotted a bottle and wondered if the boy could use the
broken glass to cut through the bungie that bound him, but she worried that
breaking the bottle  might wake the men. Somehow, she would have to help the
boy untie himself. She noticed a hook on the end of the bungie cord that the
boy could work into the knot and loosen it.  She crept closer and pushed the
hook against the boy's hand. At first, he didn't respond. Each time he
shifted, she nudged the hook against his hand again. Finally, the boy's eyes
grew wide and his brow furrowed. He clutched the hook. He has the idea,
Misty thought. It took several minutes, but the boy worked his hands and
feet free. He rose quietly and moved toward the entrance but froze when the
man called Joe stirred. 

 

"Hey," Joe shouted, waking his partner. The boy bolted. Both men pursued him
like a shot.

 

Misty flew out of the cave after them. She saw the helpless boy slip in the
mud. The bearded man grabbed the boy by the coat, but Joe collided into them
causing the man to lose his grip. Released, the boy struggled to his feet
and  ran, while the men pushed and swore at each other. Eventually
scrambling to their feet, the men again pursued the Dodger. Powerless, Misty
followed.

 

Use strong verbs in place of:  move, ran, followed, got up, opened.

 

Use description, mannerisms, hair color:  the boy, the other man.

 

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