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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Spring<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I didn’t mention this on our call, but consider a title less generic than Spring like Pink Promises…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>punctuation: use period instead of comma at end of first stanza<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Golden sunbeams kiss my face,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>A chilly breeze ruffles my hair.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>At the southern edge of the deck,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>An old tree lifts twisted branches.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Old Maggie Magnolia<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use number?: <span style='color:black'>thirty-three years ago<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>33 years ago<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reword: <span style='color:black'>we wondered whether she would exist at all.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>we wondered whether she would survive at all.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Wording: <span style='color:black'>and tell us our Maggie was here to stay. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>and assure us our Maggie was here to stay. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reword: <span style='color:black'>Increasing her range, high, wide, and her base. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>Increasing her range, height, width, and base. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Typo:<span style='color:black'> Maggie’s branches where ripped</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>Maggie’s branches were ripped</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Typo: <span style='color:black'>her bark which speak of disease<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: her bark which speaks of disease<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Jelly Beans<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Capitalize?: jelly beans<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense: he bought a bag and made it last,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He’d buy a bag and make it last,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete commas: one bitter Winter day, I wished,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>against all odds, for a bag of<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>sugary love from a warmer season<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>to place upon the mounds of earth on his grave.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: one bitter Winter day, I wished<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>against all odds for a bag of<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>sugary love from a warmer season<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>to place upon the mounds of earth on his grave.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Chapter Three<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Move comma: The back door opened, and a young man wearing a light jacket stepped through closing the door behind him.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The back door opened and a young man wearing a light jacket stepped through, closing the door behind him. (could delete “behind him” – implied)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “his” and “started“ and “pants”: He bounded down the steps and, his hands in his pants pockets, started walking purposefully in the direction of the field behind the house.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He bounded down the steps and, hands in his pockets, walked purposefully in the direction of the field behind the house.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Start new paragraph with quote: The argument seemed to have something to do with a dodger one of the men had picked up as a souvenir.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>What is “it”: Get rid of it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Get rid of the poster.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: There were sounds like someone getting up and shuffling toward the entrance.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: It sounded like someone stood and began shuffling toward the entrance.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: He settled on a bush a few feet from the entrance and dived behind it just as a short stocky man holding a poster appeared at the mouth of the cave.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He dove behind a bush a few feet from the entrance just in time. A short stocky man holding a poster appeared at the mouth of the cave.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Attribution unclear: "Well, what do we have here<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete second comma: The boy jumped up and tried to run, but the man blocked his way, and held him firmly in a vise grip.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The boy jumped up and tried to run, but the man blocked his way and held him firmly in a vise grip.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “started”: Holding the boy firmly, the man started back into the cave dragging the boy along with him.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Holding the boy firmly, the man dragged him back into the cave.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use period or question mark at end: "You're not going to kill him,"<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: "You're not going to kill him."<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Too wordy, slows action, focus on characters, not every dance step: Misty saw a bottle and thought about making it roll over to the boy and breaking it, but that might wake the men and besides, she didn't think the glass would be able to cut through the bungie. Somehow, she decided, she would have to help the boy untie himself. Then, she saw the hooks on the end of the cord. If the boy could work the hook into the knot, maybe he could loosen it. She moved over to the boy and began to pushed the hook against the boys hand when the boy adjusted his position. At first the boy didn't seem to notice. Each time he moved, she tried pushing the hook against his hand again. Finally, his eyes grew wide, and his brow furrowed. He moved his hand around the hook. He has the idea, Misty thought. It took several minutes, but after a while the boy had his hands free. He sat up and untied his feet. Rising quietly, he started to move toward the entrance. The man called Joe stirred. The boy froze. Joe turned over, and opened his eyes. "Hey," he shouted. Suddenly, the other man was awake. The boy started to run. Both men were after him like a shot.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Misty followed them out of the cave. The boy slipped in the mud and the other man grabbed his coat, but Joe ran into him causing him to lose his grip. The boy struggled to his feet and ran. The other man swore as he pushed Joe off him, got to his feet and ran after the boy. Joe got up and followed. Misty followed.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>For example: Misty spotted a bottle and wondered if the boy could use the broken glass to cut through the bungie that bound him, but she worried that breaking the bottle might wake the men. Somehow, she would have to help the boy untie himself. She noticed a hook on the end of the bungie cord that the boy could work into the knot and loosen it. She crept closer and pushed the hook against the boy’s hand. At first, he didn't respond. Each time he shifted, she nudged the hook against his hand again. Finally, the boy’s eyes grew wide and his brow furrowed. He clutched the hook. He has the idea, Misty thought. It took several minutes, but the boy worked his hands and feet free. He rose quietly and moved toward the entrance but froze when the man called Joe stirred. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>"Hey," Joe shouted, waking his partner. The boy bolted. Both men pursued him like a shot.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Misty flew out of the cave after them. She saw the helpless boy slip in the mud. The bearded man grabbed the boy by the coat, but Joe collided into them causing the man to lose his grip. Released, the boy struggled to his feet and ran, while the men pushed and swore at each other. Eventually scrambling to their feet, the men again pursued the Dodger. Powerless, Misty followed.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use strong verbs in place of: move, ran, followed, got up, opened…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use description, mannerisms, hair color: the boy, the other man…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>