[Critique Group 1] Cleora's March Notes

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

comments for sally
I think it is working now as poetry.
There were some concerns in the first version I got, but thelast one looked good.
As always, a wonderful warm piece full of meaning andemotion.
It brings back my own memories of my father’s favoritethings.
 
comments for Leonard
I understand how Magnolias can live up to 100 years, andgrow to 80 feet.
So, this is a young tree.
I like how you give her a name, Maggie Magnolia, like she isa family member.
Agree with the other's comments about how long to reach 6feet.
this line is awkward.
the line
Increasing her range, high, wide, and her base.
consider stating the current size of her canopy and height.
This would convey more information about the size of thetree
The winter storm damage, I think, suggests that Maggiealready had a problem.
confirmed a few lines down with the reference to disease.
Do let us know what the tree expert says.
 
comments for DeAnna
I totally missed the connection of pink promises to blossoms
But, no one else did.
I read it again, but still this sounds strange.
I can't envision routy fruit. What does this mean?
choosing partners for nest building
instead of nest building.
I think it makes it sound like all they are going to do isbuild a nest.
I like family building or family rearing better
 
comments for Marsha
there were extra blank lines between paragraphs and someother strange things
I chalk this up to the strange formatting stuff we've beenexperiencing
I chuckled at the Romeo & Juliet reference
To me, this makes it sound more like a conversation betweenfriends
instead of
I insisted she attend Millwood’s open house that Saturdayanyway.
this is like telling not showing.
maybe "But, you're going to attend the open house,right?
then I saw the next line. This is still Veronica?
then maybe that line isn't needed. Your showing her tryingto bet Claudia to attend
Perhaps the extra lines & spaces are making it seem likethe speaker has changed
"ok, I'll be there,
try to show Claudia’s reluctance instead of saying it
Claudia breathed in slowly, then expelled the air thru hernose. "Ok, Ronnie," she said, "I'll be there."
“You’ll thank me tomorrow. I have some news that will liftyour spirits,” I said to further entice her. “Sorry. No hints. See you in themorning at Millwood.”
I suggest breaking this up
“You’ll thank me tomorrow," I said. "I have somenews I think will lift your spirits.” I heard her take a breath. “Sorry. Nohints. See you in the morning at Millwood.”
skeletal fingers. Is this a hint for later that Hamilton isa suspect or is she just a deadly adversary?
Claudia removed and cleaned her sunglasses glasses
wouldn't her pupils already be enlarged if she has beenwearing sunglasses?
I thought they were inside. why is she wearing sunglasses?
I keep getting confused about who is speaking. I think I’mlistening to Claudia and then find it is Veronica.
Since the basis for Veronica and Claudia are actually thesame person, This may be a problem in trying to make these 2 charactersdistinct.
Maybe there were some attitude changes later in your lifethat you can use to make the 2 characters more unique.
After living in the small town a while, maybe you picked upsome phrase or word that you didn't use before moving there.
However, I seem to be the only one that had this problem.
I don't remember the sales pitch in the previous version.
Veronica is really trying to sell Claudia on applying forher job when she leaves.
I feel like Veronica really wants to help Claudia. She justisn't considering whether Claudia want's the help.
This last part of the piece sounds more natural. Ronnie isexcited about her work, and is trying to infect Claudia.
I don't know if this is why the ergonomic furniture ismentioned, or if that is just the kind of furniture the company had.
But, I think you have a potential item to provide clues tothe murder.
I did a report on ergonomic furniture when I was working forAlcon.
I thought it was a good idea until I got one of the pull outkeyboards.
if you cross your legs under the desk, you will tear yourhose or snag your pants.
I hate ergonomic chairs.
the adjustments are not as helpful as you might expect.
every time someone else, like a tech person, sits in yourchair it adjusts to the other person.
Could this be a clue if Veronica's chair appears to have hadsomeone else sitting in it?
the power strips are not as good at managing cables asintended.
it all depends on how well the tech people installeverything.
Is there something missing or irregular about the strip?
just tossing out ideas for whatever they may be worth.
This all sounds realistic based on the trade shows I've beento.