[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments on Martia's sub

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

This version eliminates some of the dialogue 

that shows the competition and remarks  between Veronica and other staff members.

 Like the one betweenVeronica and   her first encounter withthe woman who has been there the longest. 

Instead, it emphasizes Veronica selling the idea of what aprestigious place her company is. 

She doesn’t go into direct explanation of her plans to sell thecompany to Claudia, 

but it sets it up. 

It downplays some of the negative feelings the reader would getabout Veronica 

and her upidiness about her position 

and how lucky it would be for Claudia to take her place. 

I think I like this version better.  

This version makes the reader more sympathetic towards Veronica.

 

 

 

Open House

 

I telephoned Claudia after reading the ThursdayMessenger. “Nicely done. Your article about the Smythe’s murder-suicide is moretragic than Romeo and Juliet,” I said.

 

“The story put me back in the good graces of Mr.K, but I’m bummed about the circumstances,” Claudia said.

 

I insisted she attend Millwood’s open house thatSaturday anyway.

 

“Don’t you have to cover the story for thepaper?” I prodded. “After all, Millwood Furniture is Doe Lake’s largestemployer. It’s not like the company’s 75th anniversarycelebration can be postponed. The factory’s open house has been publicized formonth…”

 

“Okay Ronnie, I’ll be there,” Claudia saidwithout enthusiasm.

 

“You’ll thank me tomorrow. I have some news thatwill lift your spirits,” I said to further entice her. “Sorry. No hints. Seeyou in the morning at Millwood.”

 

I replaced the handset and thought, what badluck Claudia had landing her first reporting job in a backwards town like DoeLake. Although young and single like her, I had deliberately chosen to work ina dead-end town to hide from paparazzi and stalkers, no thanks to my infamousTV star mom, but I wasn’t stuck in Doe Lake forever.

 

For once, I was glad I resembled my absentfather more than my tabloid cover mom. No one in Doe Lake knew my trueidentity, not even Officer Braun, the town’s inquisitive cop. I understoodClaudia’s attraction to Officer Braun. Fortunately, Robbie had backed off thesecond time I turned him down; resisting his charms hadn’t been easy.

 

Thankfully, my trust funds would be released onmy 26th birthday that summer, then I could leaveDoe Lake to pursue my own dreams. I intended to plant myself in a secludedcabin in New England and finish my novel. My departure would create a jobopening at Millwood –a perfect opportunity for Claudia to advance her career -and perhaps her relationship with Robbie - once I was out of the way.

 

Saturday morning, I spotted Claudia’s purpleChevy alongside rusty cars and pickup trucks in the gravel lot at Millwood. Shehad arrived ahead of me, a good sign. I couldn’t wait to share my plans withClaudia - I knew she could be trusted with my secret. Rare sunshine thawed therecent snow. Splashing through the rutted lot, my Camaro was covered with mud.It was impossible to keep a car clean nine months out of 12 in rural Michigan,autumn being the exception.

 

Pete waved me on at the “Reserved” parking gate,saying, “Lookin’ good, Veronica.” Weekdays, he waited on tables at his mom’srestaurant, sweaty in a soiled apron. Nights and weekends, he doubled as asecurity guard at Millwood. Sporting a fresh uniform with an official“Security” patch on its pocket, Pete acted like he was God’s gift to women.despite my rebuffs, Pete hit on me at work, repeatedly like a moth battering alight bulb. I was forced to tolerate his clumsy advances for now, but not forlong.  I should warn Claudia in advance about Pete’s annoying overtures.

 

After parking, I hunted for my friend. Iexpected Claudia would be photographing the crowd for the newspaper. I followedthe aroma of juicy hot dogs and buttery popcorn to a tented outdoor pavilion.Children squealed in delight at the noisy blast from a helium tank. There shewas, her 35mm camera focused on a group of youngsters clasping white balloonsimprinted with a red “75.”

 

“Delightful,” Claudia said when she saw me.“This reminds me of my grade school carnival.”

 

“That’s cool,” I said. “I hope the fun will keepyour mind off your worries. No bad news today.”

 

Nodding to a group of hovering parents, I ledClaudia away from the flock of children. Under my breath, I instructed her to“Smile for the brass,” as we walked to a set of tables up front reserved forthe company’s big wigs.

 

“First, let me introduce you to Mr. Reed,Millwood’s president.” Claudia stared up at Mr. Reed’s silver-haired head,oversized even in proportion to his prominent height. Mr. Reed offered hishand, but to my embarrassment Claudia appeared to ignore his gesture. I bumpedher hip and she looked down. Too late, Millwood’s president had dropped hisproffered palm.

 

“Oops,” Claudia mumbled, realizing her slight. Isuspected Claudia’s low vision was to blame for the oversight. She didn’t talkmuch about her limitation, but sometimes it was obvious.

 

“Moving along…” I tugged on Claudia’s elbow andsteered her to another table. “This is Keith Donaldson, Vice President ofSales, and Wil Roberts, vice president of Production.” I noticed Claudia raisedher hand first this time to avoid further embarrassment.

 

Ahead, my nemesis approached, lean and mean in atailored pencil skirt. Her hawk-like beak and predator’s glare might intimidateothers at Millwood, but not me. I exaggerated my delight.

 

“Oh, Claudia, please let me introduce you to Ms.Michelle Hamilton, Millwood’s Design Manager. She’s worked for the companylonger than anyone.”

 

Millwood’s bitch-in-residence turned her headand blew cigarette smoke over her shoulder, ignoring Claudia’s offer to shake.Michelle’s deliberate affront was nothing like my friend’s unintended slightearlier. Game on.

 

“Michelle,” I drooled like a loyal puppy. “I was just telling Claudia how many different jobs you’ve held over the yearsat Millwood. Too bad you’ll have to compete against me for your next promotion.By the way, did I mention that Claudia is The Messenger’s new reporter?”

 

Hamilton crushed her cigarette butt under thepointed toe of her high heel, and preened her feathered hair. I had known myfriend’s press credentials would attract Michelle’s narcissistic need forattention. Narrowing her predator eyes at Claudia’s “Press” badge, she said,“Oh, y I see. Nice to meet Doe Lake’s new reporter.”  Puckering wrinkledlips around a fresh cig, Michelle said, “Well Claudia, I have been with Millwood Furniture longer than Veronica, so Icould better answer your questions about the company. Allow me to give you apersonal tour.”

 

“No doing,” I pried Hamilton’s skeletal fingersoff Claudia’s arm. “She’s my personal guest today. You’ll have to share yourold stories with her another time.”

 

I whisked Claudia past the long line of visitorsthrough a side door reserved for staff only. Inside the entry, Claudia stoppedshort. “Give me a minute to adjust to the dark,” she said. Dark? Elegant wallsconces illuminated the spacious lobby. Claudia removed her sunglasses andfished tissue from a pocket to clean her prescription lenses. I figured she wasbuying time for her pupils to enlarge. Glasses in place, she looked down,admiring the plush carpet under our feet. Impatient, I grabbed Claudia’s elbowand swept her through a double-door into a large office area. A sea of modularacoustic panels framed in oak and upholstered in hues of heather grey, maroon,and green, created a labyrinth of open plan workstations.

 

“Meet “Wood-Flex, Millwood’s modular panelsystem,” I announced. “Each workstation can be configured and reconfiguredeasily over time to adapt as modern workspaces evolve.”

 

I demonstrated. “See? There are slide-out traysunder the work surfaces for computer keyboards, and adjustable task lightsmounted under the overhead cabinets eliminate the need for harsh ceilingfixtures. It’s easier on the eyes,” I added.

 

Speaking of eyes, the amazement in Claudia’sopen-mouthed stare was obvious. “You should see the look on your face,” Iteased.

 

“This is unreal, Ronnie,” she said. “I've afeeling we're not in Kansas, I mean Michigan, anymore.” Spinning in a swivelchair, Claudia explained, “Six months ago, when I walked into the Messenger’sold office on Main Street, it was like I’d been transported back in time. Now,I feel like I’ve been propelled light years into the future.“

 

“Into a galaxy far, far away,” I quipped a quotefrom the new Star Wars movie. “But wait. There’s more.” I pointed out a sharedarea housing a humming printer, copy machine, and facsimile machine. “Look.Conduits along the base of the panels conceal all the electrical cables. Niceand tidy.“ Next stop was the staff lounge.

 

Claudia oogled  the cushy lounge chairs andoccasional tables. “Look, Interior Design, a national trade publication forcommercial designers and architects, recently photographed our offices for itscover.” I plucked a glossy magazine off a side table. “Common areas encouragecasual conversation and collaboration,” I sat, knees crossed on a sofa, andquoted from the magazine article. “I worked with our PR firm in New York Cityfor weeks to attract the eye of the magazine editors for this feature,” I said.

 

You travel to New York City for business?”

 

“Claudia, Millwood has showrooms in New YorkCity, Chicago, and Los Angeles. I travel far and often, all on the company’sexpense account. We stay at fancy hotels like the Waldorf Astoria and thePalmer House. I invite editors and public relation managers out to eat at theFour Seasons in Manhattan or Chez Panise in Berkeley, wherever they wants todine. It’s 

Wants to dine? Did you mean to put an apostrophein want’s?

 

marketing. A feature on one of our products inArchitectural Digest is worth millions in sales for Millwood. In fact, I’ll bein New York City next week promoting the new seating line that Millwood willintroduce at NEOCON in June.”

 

“NEO-who?”

 

“NEOCON –the National Exposition of ContractInterior Furnishings. It’s a huge trade show held at the Merchandise Mart inChicago each summer. Thousands of potential buyers flood the Mart. This year,Millwood is debuting a new line of ergonometric seating.”

 

“Ergo-what?”

 

I flung myself into a task chair to demonstrateits adjustable controls. “Office seating should provide proper support andcomfort to improve posture, maximize productivity, and minimize fatigue atwork.” I spouted off the copy I’d written for Millwood’s catalog. “Ergonometricseating is engineered to adjust to a wide range of positions becauseindividuals come in a wide range of sizes.”

 

Claudia had opened her reporter’s pad and was feverishlytaking notes.

 

“I thought Millwood only manufacturedtraditional office furniture,” she said.

 

“They do that, too. Let me show you. Millwood’sprivate offices showcase the executive product lines.”

 

I urged Claudia into a corner office. Sunlightfrom windows on two sides reflected off Mr. Reed’s executive desk crafted fromdeep red mahogany. I called Claudia’s attention to the desk’s waterfall edgesinlaid with ebony.

 

“Impressive. Talk about prestige and power,”Claudia whispered, tracing a finger along the polished surface.

 

“That’s what it’s about,” I agreed. We walkedalong the wall of ‘big wig’ offices, stopping at every office to admire eachdistinct line of casegoods in walnut, oak, cherry, or mahogany.

 

”Every collection includes single or doublepedestal desks, matching credenzas, lateral file cabinets, bookcases, andmeeting tables, not to mention seating,” I said. “Millwood Furniture can befound at top universities, medical centers, government offices, and theheadquarters of Fortune 500 companies like A T & T and EXXON. “It’s prettybig business for a small town like Doe Lake.”

 

We entered a large conference room in the corneropposite Mr. Reed’s office. Custom note pads, coffee mugs, and pens imprintedwith the Millwood logo were arranged in front of each high-back guest chairsurrounding a massive walnut conference table. I continued my corporatecommunications speel.

 

“Millwood managers negotiate large contractswith important clients in here,” I said. “That’s why commercial furniture iscalled contract furniture. It’s not like residential furniture that can bebought at Sears,” I explained. “Only authorized dealers can sell Millwoodfurniture. Contract furniture showrooms aren’t open to the public, only totrade professionals. Millwood promotes its product lines to architects andinterior designers because they’re the ones who specify furniture for end userslike banks and insurance companies.”

 

I paused, giving Claudia time to scribble notes.

 

“Veronica, how do you keep track of it all?” sheasked.

 

“That’s part of my job. We photograph andcatalog each product for our dealers and sales managers. Customer service repsinput orders into a computer, and every item is tracked at each station alongthe factory floor until it’s loaded onto a truck at the shipping dock out back.There’s over 700,000 square feet of manufacturing space that you haven’t seenyet.”

 

I stopped outside a windowless office andpointed to a round oak work table. “You saw the ‘big wigs’ offices along thewall with windows. This is the ‘wanna be wall,” I said. Offices for middlemanagers like me, also known as ‘wanna-be’s, ‘are furnished with Millwood’smoderately priced product lines. Impressed?”

 

Claudia nodded appreciatively. I bounced into abrown suede office chair behind the table and, with the flourish of a hand, Iinvited Claudia to sit in one of the upholstered guest chairs.

 

“Surprise! This is my office. Make yourselfcomfortable.”

 

I reached under the table for a cooler andproduced two box lunches, each containing a fresh garden salad, hard roll, andgourmet chocolate chunk cookie. “Dig in.” The bottle of seltzer water fizzedwhen I twisted off the top for Claudia.

 

“Wow, I am impressed,” Claudia said. “Corporatecommunications managers eat way better than reporters downing donuts walking anews beat.”

 

I enjoyed watching Claudia savor the cateredfood and special treatment. “Oh, this isn’t bad for a factory open house,” Ibragged, “but at trade shows, Millwood hosts receptions with caviar, rawoysters, and champagne. Our customers are big spenders. If they’re consideringpurchasing Millwood’s top shelf products to furnish 50 floors of a high rise,you bet we wine and dine them before, during, and after the sale.” I paused,allowing Claudia time to digest her lunch, and the opportunity MillwoodFurniture might offer her.

 

“Let me close my office door,” I said, standing.“It’s time to tell you my news.”

 

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