[Critique Group 1] March2022 critiques

[Deanna Noriega]

Sally 

Jelly Beans

Gentle poem of sorrow in advance.

A daughter's love expressed in pastel sugar. A wish to honor a father with
something that would mean more to him than flowers. Beautiful, poignant
captures feelings well as always.

 

 

Leonard,

Old Maggie Magnolia

She already existed, perhaps change to survive.

You need to bring us up to date before ending. Did she recover, or did the
tears and broken canopy remain and worsen to her current state. You only
have one line for the portend of her death, so that could be expanded with
what has led to her current sad state. 

 

Cleora,

Chapter 3.

Perhaps I missed something last month. Why is Misty invisible? When did that
happen?

"You're not going to kill him," should either end with a question mark or a
period, depending on how Joe said it.

(began to pushed) Leave out the (began to) and I think it will work.

I think the structure is a bit awkward with the second robber not having a
name. Perhaps you could have Joe say his name when he asks about killing the
boy.

Drop the suddenly and say the second man awoke or woke up.

Or jerked awake.

Neckless should be spelled necklace.

How did the robbers get to the station? They obviously weren't put in the
police car with the boy.

He didn't find the poster, he saw it.

The ending sounds like the family isn't very fiscally responsible. No
thought is made of doing something less transitory than eating an overpriced
meal. 

Misty completed her task of saving the boy. If he is the one she overheard
in the previous chapter, perhaps his father or sister might identify him by
name in that chapter, thus taking care of the awkwardness of constantly
refering to him as the boy. . What next?

 

Marcia

Open House

Publicized for month."

This should be either months or a month, depending on how long it was
publicized.

"Oh, y I see. (Is the letter y a typo or supposed to designate a
vocalization to fill a pause while Michelle regroups?

I think you added a lot more information about the furniture company's
market here which makes this scene better. 

 

Good work everyone!

Hugs,

 

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

Cell: 573-544-3511

Email:  <mailto:dqnoriega at gmail.com> dqnoriega at gmail.com

Author of Fifty Years of Walking with Friends

https://www.dldbooks.com/dqnoriega/

 

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