[Critique Group 1] Marcia's October notes

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna:

Do You See What I See?

 

First time use full name:  Arie Carter swerved

blonde opulent figure?

 

Avoid "it":  It was a glorious summer day-

Try:  The summer daywas glorious.

 

Punctuation:  The summer daywas glorious, Arie had to admit, but didn't Kiki
know about the risks of skin-cancer and the aging effects of sun tanning? 

Try:  It was a glorious summer day--Arie had to admit, but didn't the girl
know about the risks of skin-cancer and the aging effects of sun tanning? 

 

Rework:  Not for Kiki apparently -- the privacy of a backyard sunbath, when
she could soak up the rays and admiration of any handy male-members of the
population. 

Try:  The privacy of a backyard sunbath apparently was not for Kiki, if she
could soak up the rays and admiration of any handy male members of the
population. 

 

Insert comma:  He is too shy to pay much attention to girls guessed Arie. 

Try:  He is too shy to pay much attention to girls, guessed Arie. 

 

Rework:  As she slid from the car, she glanced down at her lanky six-foot
jean-clad self. 

Try:  As she slid her six-foot frame from the car, she glanced down at her
lanky jean-clad legs. 

 

Rework:  There was no competition here for the golden sun-worshiper.

Try:  She was no competition for the golden sun-worshiper.

 

Structure:  five characters with different perspectives

Perhaps Aria gets out of car, boy 1 watches, boy 2 watches, girl watches,
grandee watches

Kiki struts, Aria watches, boy 1 watches, etc.

 

Foreshadowing k motive for murder, more characters confusing

 

 

Leonard:

Dear Mailbox

 

Rework:  

We eagerly wait for the arrival,

expecting something amazing to be there,

like a letter, or parcel we ordered,

yet know we will most likely get let down.

Try:  We eagerly wait for our delivery ,

expecting something amazing to appear,

like a letter or parcel we ordered,

yet most likely we will be let down.

 

Rework:  Some of that paper comes from naturalists.

Isn't that fact an absolute hoot?

Try:  Some of that paper comes from conservationists.

Isn't that an ironic hoot?

 

Like this line:  

Why is getting mail still satisfying?

Perhaps it has much in common with dreams

 

 

Cleora:

Elevator Pitch

 

Make every word count, get straight to the action

I'm writing a story (for young readers) called The Legend of Sly Duck. It's
about a visually impaired duck who is forced to walk south for the winter
because she can't see well enough to fly. Along her journey, Sly Duck
befriends a grasshopper who helps her acquire an adaptive device to help her
fly, and proves her worth by saving a (ancient/dying?) kingdom from an evil
monarch. 

_______________________________________________

 

 

Sally:

Needs Must

 

Possibly break into two sentences:  Massive paws lumbering along

familiar English garden paths,

my aunt's gentle mastiffs are perplexed 

to find roses replaced by rhubarb. 

Try:  Massive paws lumber along

familiar English garden paths.

My aunt's gentle mastiffs look perplexed 

to find roses replaced by rhubarb. 

 

Sentence structure confusing:  Near dark, gnarled yew trees from which

the ancient house takes its name,

rows of potatoes and peas are nourished

By soil and sun in a ravaged

and rationed nation's victory garden.

 

Incorporate title into poem?

 

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