[Critique Group 1] October critiques for Group 1

[Deanna Noriega]

Marcia

A Harmless Ghost Story

Macabre but sweet too.

Never having met your parents, I can't say if their personalities and voices
ring true. I get the impression that they were a couple who groused and
sniped at each other a good deal. My grandparents were like that. One
wondered why they continued as a couple when they took so little joy in each
other's company. I think this piece is tongue-in-cheek, but holds a rye
humor at the idea of them moving onward together.

 

 

Leonard

Dear Mailbox

Awkward phrasing: use of the word (most) in 2 adjacent lines.

yet know we will most likely get let down

try: yet know we are likely to get let down.

Most everything left us is pure junk.

Perhaps: most of what is left us is pure junk.

Perhaps it has much in common with dreamsI like the closing line.

 

Cleora

elevator pitch for Legend of Sly duck

I'm currently working on a story about a visually impaired duck who starts
out walking south for the winter because she runs into things when she tries
to fly.

On her journey, she befriends a grasshopper, receives an adaptive device to
help her fly, and proves her worth by saving a kingdom from an evil monarch.


I'm unsure what purpose an elevator pitch for a book is meant to serve. If
you used this as a back cover blurb, then it will need a bit of change
excluding the first few words and being modified to read:

The Legend of Sly Duck is the story of a visually impaired duck who starts
out walking south for the winter because she runs into things when she tries
to fly.

On her journey, she befriends a grasshopper, receives an adaptive device to
help her fly, and proves her worth by saving a kingdom from an evil monarch.


I think it works well for this purpose.

 

Sally

"NEEDS MUST"

I am unfamiliar with the word courgettes. I know there are a lot of
different names for things across the water. I am also not sure what a
vegetable marrow is either and haven't eaten a ruttabega! Not even sure if I
am spelling them right. However, I liked the poem. As always I can see this
snapshot of life in the past. I can picture the large lumbering dogs but
surely they didn't just tear out the roses?Surely they kept slips to begin
again once there was time and peace for roses. 

 

 

 

 

 

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

Cell: 573-544-3511

Email:  <mailto:dqnoriega at gmail.com> dqnoriega at gmail.com

Author of Fifty Years of Walking with Friends

https://www.dldbooks.com/dqnoriega/

 

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