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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Do You See What I See?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>First time use full name: Arie Carter swerved<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>blonde opulent figure?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “it”: It was a glorious summer day—<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The summer daywas glorious.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation: The summer daywas glorious, Arie had to admit, but didn't Kiki know about the risks of skin-cancer and the aging effects of sun tanning? <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: It was a glorious summer day--Arie had to admit, but didn't the girl know about the risks of skin-cancer and the aging effects of sun tanning? <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Rework: Not for Kiki apparently -- the privacy of a backyard sunbath, when she could soak up the rays and admiration of any handy male-members of the population. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The privacy of a backyard sunbath apparently was not for Kiki, if she could soak up the rays and admiration of any handy male members of the population. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: He is too shy to pay much attention to girls guessed Arie. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He is too shy to pay much attention to girls, guessed Arie. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Rework: As she slid from the car, she glanced down at her lanky six-foot jean-clad self. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: As she slid her six-foot frame from the car, she glanced down at her lanky jean-clad legs. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Rework: There was no competition here for the golden sun-worshiper.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She was no competition for the golden sun-worshiper.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Structure: five characters with different perspectives<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Perhaps Aria gets out of car, boy 1 watches, boy 2 watches, girl watches, grandee watches<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Kiki struts, Aria watches, boy 1 watches, etc.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Foreshadowing k motive for murder, more characters confusing<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Dear Mailbox<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'>Rework: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>We eagerly wait for the arrival,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>expecting something amazing to be there,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>like a letter, or parcel we ordered,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>yet know we will most likely get let down.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'>Try: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>We eagerly wait for our delivery ,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>expecting something amazing to appear,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>like a letter or parcel we ordered,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>yet most likely we will be let down.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'>Rework: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Some of that paper comes from naturalists.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Isn’t that fact an absolute hoot?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'>Try: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Some of that paper comes from conservationists.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Isn’t that an ironic hoot?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'>Like this line: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv0447886780msonormal style='margin:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;background:white'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Why is getting mail still satisfying?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Perhaps it has much in common with dreams<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Elevator Pitch<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Make every word count, get straight to the action<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>I'm writing a story (for young readers) called The Legend of Sly Duck. It’s about a visually impaired duck who is forced to walk south for the winter because she can’t see well enough to fly. Along her journey, Sly Duck befriends a grasshopper who helps her acquire an adaptive device to help her fly, and proves her worth by saving a (ancient/dying?) kingdom from an evil monarch. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>_______________________________________________<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Needs Must<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Possibly break into two sentences: Massive paws lumbering along<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>familiar English garden paths,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>my aunt’s gentle mastiffs are perplexed <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>to find roses replaced by rhubarb. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Massive paws lumber along<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>familiar English garden paths.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>My aunt’s gentle mastiffs look perplexed <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>to find roses replaced by rhubarb. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sentence structure confusing: Near dark, gnarled yew trees from which<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>the ancient house takes its name,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>rows of potatoes and peas are nourished<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>By soil and sun in a ravaged<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>and rationed nation’s victory garden.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Incorporate title into poem?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>