[Critique Group 1] Marcia's July comments

[Marcia Wick]

Sally:

The Gift

 

The Guiding Gift

 

Style (your choice:  sixty-nine years ago or 69

Twenty-two or 22

 

Stronger?:  When my paratrooper father jumped out of an airplane sixty-nine
years ago and landed on the  Normandy beach during the D-Day invasion, he
was only one of five men in his company who survived. 

Try:  My paratrooper father jumped out of an airplane 69 years ago and
landed on the  Normandy beach during the D-Day invasion. He was only one of
five men in his company to survive. 

 

Singular:  after the whirlwind romances common in wartime

Try:  after a whirlwind romance common in wartime

 

Delete had?:  the couple had moved to a small town

Try:  the couple moved to a small town

 

Tense?:  especially when life took some unexpected  turns such as

Try:  especially when life takes unexpected  turns such as

 

Reword?:  took some unexpected  turns such as a daughter who began losing
vision in middle age and his doctor confirmed a diagnosis  of kidney cancer
shortly after my father retired.

Try:  takes unexpected  turns such as when a daughter loses vision in middle
age and he receives a diagnosis  of kidney cancer shortly after his own
retirement.

 

Stronger?:  Because my family did what loving families do, I offered my
father a kidney, and he told me he wished he could give me his eyes.

Try:  My family did what loving families do, so I offered my father a
kidney, and he told me he wished he could give me his eyes.

 

Two sentences stronger, two thoughts;:  As it turned out, he was not able to
receive a transplant  and died two years before I became totally blind and
applied for a guide dog from Guiding Eyes for  the Blind.

Try:  As it turned out, he was not able to receive a transplant. He died two
years before I became totally blind and applied for a guide dog from Guiding
Eyes for  the Blind.

 

More personal than "realized:  but I realized there was another far  more
important way to interpret it:

Try:  but to me there was another far  more important interpretation:

 

Delete "who had":  my father Bill Bennett who had died on January 1, 2000. 

Try:  my father Bill Bennett died on January 1, 2000. 

 

Reword:  would provide  the help 

Try:  would provide  the guiding eyes

 

 

Leonard:

Last Battle

 

Not sure about title Last Battle

 

Delete "it":  It must be someone wanting to see if he needed any of his
trees trimmed.

Try:  Someone must want to see if he needed any trees trimmed.

 

It again?:  It was a man dressed as though he was on his way to a golf
course.

Try:  A man stood dressed as though he was on his way to a golf course.

 

Passive:  There was a lost look in his eyes.

Try:  The man had a lost look in his eyes.

 

Punctuation purposeful?:  He had seen that look before. Many times.

Try:  He had seen that look before. Many times before.

Or

He had seen that look before, many times before.

 

Dr. Frank?:  and handed it to Franks.

 

rework:  The doctor took the wallet and found his telephone number,
committed it to memory. Then he handed it back.

Try:  The doctor took the wallet, found the man's telephone number,
committed it to memory, and handed the wallet back.

 

Delete comma:  willing to give me his wallet, which had the information in
it.

Try:  willing to give me his wallet which had the information in it.

 

Avoid "then":  Then she hung up and started for her car to find Tom, but
stopped herself. 

Try:  She hung up and started for her car to find Tom, but stopped herself. 

 

A little odd:  Can I hang up now?" Sheriff Tinsley asked.

"Yes."

 

Word choice:  I would rather control him until he gets worse."

Try:  I would rather care for him until he gets worse."

 

Simplify Wording:  Some of the details of this account are not true, but the
story is basically correct.  It is a situation that too many people are
facing every day. 

Try:  Some of the details in this account are fictional, but the story
illustrates a situation that too many people face every day. 

 

 

Cleora:

Help Wanted

 

Title:  Reliable Help Wanted

 

Overuse "used":  I started using care givers.

Try:  I started relying on care givers.

At first, I used someone

Try:  At first, I hired someone

 

Who is reader? 10 Questions to Ask Before hiring a caregiver

 

Typo:  other people’s homes.

 

Caregivers one or two words?

 

Rework:  in the quality of care givers I was receiving.

Try:  in the quality of work produced by care givers I was assigned.

 

Punctuation, use comma:  To date, I have used five different agencies. Nine
if you count the number of times the agency I was using either sold out to
or was taken over by another agency.

Try:  To date, I've contracted with five different agencies, nine if you
count the number of times the agency I was using either was sold or taken
over by another agency.

Using OK here.

 

Rework punctuation:  Let's face it. People who need help are often cranky,
frustrated by their own inability to take care of their own needs, sometimes
in physical discomfort, and may be inclined to take all this out on their
care giver whether they mean to or not.

Try:  Let's face it, people who need help are often cranky, frustrated by
their own inability to take care of their own needs, and sometimes in
physical discomfort. Clients may be inclined to take all this out on their
care giver whether they mean to or not.

 

Rsquo???

 

Rework:  The first question to ask, is how well the agency fulfils these
high sounding words.

Try:  The first question to ask is, how well does the agency fulfil these
high sounding words?

 

Incomplete sentence, combine with preceding:  Finding a person willing to
learn, and that has the right disposition for the job.

 

the doctor's office provides you with a SUPER???

 

Jargon:  To file the LTC claim yourself, you are going to need to be able to
document the care givers clock in and out time, prove that the ADLs were
done, and that the care giver was a qualified person.

 

Word usage:  For this reason, I don't think it is reasonable for an agency
to charge for filing the claim. 

 

Redundant:  Different agencies handle this in one of three ways that I know
of. There may be other ways, but the ones I've encountered are.

 

 

Deanna:

I Am / Distance

 

Period or comma?:  A gentle chime in the storm.

Lavender to purple?

 

Punctuation missing:  When my children were small, I tucked them into bed
each night

 

Delete comma:  I drew a magic circle around their beds, to keep them safe
from all harm while they slept.

Try:  I drew a magic circle around their beds to keep them safe from all
harm while they slept.

 

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