[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments on Sally's piece

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

I love thispiece. 

However,I  think you don’t have good transitionpoints 

and try toinclude too much information  in eachparagraph. 

I’ve madesome suggestions where I think the transitions can go, 

vut  they may not be the  best places. 

But you doneed, I think, to have them somewhere.

 

The Gift

by Sally Rosenthal

 

 

 

 

 

 

en myparatrooper father jumped out of an airplane sixty-nine years ago and landed onthe  Normandy beach during the D-Day invasion, he was only one of five menin his company who survived.  Scarcely twenty-two with a few years of warbehind him, he returned to his base in England and  married his Englishgirlfriend after the whirlwind romances common in wartime. Within three years, the couple had moved to a small town In Pennsylvania to begin their marriedlife without the  separation and anxiety of war.

If myfather had any of the post-traumatic stress disorder so common to today’sreturning troops, he never displayed it or spoke much about his warexperiences. Instead, he chose to settle in his  hometown among aclosely-knit family, raise two children, and enjoy the small pleasures ofeveryday  life since one never could take them for granted. Havingsurvived the war, my father knew all too  well that fate was random andlife was to be cherished — especially when life took some unexpected turns such as a daughter who began losing vision in middle age and his doctor 

 

I thinksomewhere around here there should be a new paragraph. You’re including too much information  without giving ys a break to  take a breath.

 

confirmed adiagnosis  of kidney cancer shortly after my father retired.

Because myfamily did what loving families do, I offered my father a kidney, and he toldme he wished he could give me his eyes. As it turned out, he was not able toreceive a transplant  and died two years before I became totally blind andapplied for a guide dog from Guiding Eyes for  the Blind. 

 

Again, Irecommend a new parragrap   somewherehere.

 

Although Iwas sorry to have lost my father as well as all of my light perception, Iwas  even sorrier that my father, a life-long dog lover, would never meetmy guide dog or know how much  that dog enhanced my life.

 

Newparagraph.

 

When myfirst guide dog Boise arrived for home training in 2003, I was told that herGuiding Eyes  identification tattoo was BB0001; this meant that she wasborn into the second litter of puppies  all named with names beginningwith B in the year 2000 and that she was the first-born of her  litter.That was certainly one way to understand her tattoo, but I realized there wasanother far  more important way to interpret it: my father Bill Bennettwho had died on January 1, 2000. BB0001.  I am a woman who, over theyears, has learned to look for and be grateful for signs and omens. As I stroked Boise’s broad head, I smiled through tears and knew with absolutecertainty that my father, safe from war and illness, had sent me a messagethrough my dog’s tattoo number. He might  not have been able to give mehis own eyes, but my father knew that another creature would provide  thehelp his daughter needed.

 

 Iagree with your interpretation. I love that you included that in your  rendition of the story.  It’s an important piece of information forthe peace as well.

 

 
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