[Critique Group 1] Marcia's June notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally

Eliza

 

I Like her full name

 

Rework delete comma, dispite instead of down:  Yet, down the centuries
between us,

Try:  Yet despite the centuries between us,

 

Rework:  my great-grandmother and I

Share traits this Yorkshire farmwife

Passed on to me

Try:  I share traits my great-grandmother, 

A Yorkshire farmwife, passed on to me

 

Suggest numeral ten:  10 children

 

Period vocabulary may need explanation?:  rectors and curates.

 

More specific:  To this American woman

Try:  To her American descendant 

 

Revisiting extra comma intentional?:  She, like a woman of her time and all
times,

 

Another word?:  dabbling in memories.

Family history?

 

 

Leonard

Aric

 

Punctuation avoid dashes:   

You were a gift out of nowhere --

joined   me in a trek through the woods,

when I most needed someone --

with barks that could crack a sidewalk --

courage that could stare down a bear.

Try:  You were a gift out of nowhere, 

Joining me in a trek through the woods,

when I most needed company. 

Your barks could crack a sidewalk, 

And your courage could out-stare a bear.

 

Stronger than going:  a torrent going downstream

Try:  a torrent crashing downstream

 

Possible dash for effect, delete just:  You were there and then just
disappeared. 

Try:  You were there - and then disappeared. 

 

Punctuation:  I never knew what happened to you --

whether hit by a careless car

or stolen from the barren streets

to languish away in a sterile cage

and tortured in some laboratory.

Try:  I never knew what happened to you. Were you hit by a careless car,

Or stolen from the barren streets

to languish away in a sterile cage

and be tortured in some laboratory?

 

Insert "was":  not knowing a heart was in anguish, 

 

Your instead of it:  by its loss?

Try:  by your loss?

 

Choose question mark or dash:Do you know I looked for you everywhere? --

Try:  Do you know I looked for you everywhere --

 

Specific:  in a black dog

Try:  in every black dog

 

Great line:  Hell is to find and unfind so quickly.

 

Poignant ending

 

 

Deanna

Resolution

 

Avoid "it" as first word:  It was the start of a new year and Stacy
contemplated what she should try to change on her negatives list.

Try:  Stacy contemplated her new year's resolution. What should she try to
change on her negatives list this year? 

 

Insert another comma:  and for the most part,

Try:  and, for the most part,

 

Rework no ellipses:  thrown anything at anyone, screamed at them or just
lost it and burst in to tears..

Try:  thrown anything, screamed at anyone, or lost it and burst in to tears.


 

??? her klick of toadies

 

Drawled.?

 

Insert comma:  like a hick Stacy!

Try:  like a hick, Stacy!

 

Period instead of comma:  jeans, girls who try to look

Try:  jeans. Girls who try to look

 

Invert:  Shouted Stacy's mother Brenda as she looked

Try:  Brenda, Stacy's mother, shouted as she looked

 

Period instead of comma:  let me take those, I got so involved

Try:  let me take those. I got so involved

 

Contraction informal dialogue (check entire manuscript):  I am just so tired

Try:  I'm just so tired

Or

I'm so tired.

 

Insert comma:  you have to do it all mom,"

Try:  you have to do it all, mom,"

 

Rework "it", more active:                  It was a really busy night at the
pizza shop. Stacy had scrambled all evening to keep the make line filled
with toppings and the phone answered.

Try:                  The pizza shop was busy all night. Stacy scrambled all
evening to answer the phone and keep the make line filled with toppings.

 

Punctuation:  "Good evening Mr. Woodruff, will it be you're usual,

Try:  "Good evening, Mr. Woodruff. Will it be you're usual,

 

More concise:  moved down the make line assembling the pizza being careful
to spread the toppings evenly so that every bite would have all of the
ingredients.

Try:  moved down the make line assembling the pizza, careful to spread the
toppings evenly so that every bite would have all the ingredients.

 

Insert commas:  As the grumpy old man took his purchase she called out "Did

Try:  As the grumpy old man took his purchase, she called out, "Did

 

 

Cleora

Scream

The Pros and Cons of Technology

 

Personal essay, make it personal:  Any of us.

Try:  Like many of you, I struggle with technology in order to get daily
tasks done, and I've often experience the frustration and irritation of the
impossible accomplishment of my goal.

.

 

"it" has a life of its own:  so it can finish some update of interest only
to it.

Try:  so "it" can finish some update of interest only to "itself."

 

Delete "the", more urgent, frustrating:  We launch an app to perform a task
and spend endless minutes searching for the magic link or button to take us
to the desired feature and then struggle thru the steps to get the program
to find and select the correct items to submit the task.

Try:  I launch an app to perform a task, spend endless minutes searching for
a magic link or button to take me to the desired feature,  then struggle
thru several steps to instruct the program to find and select the correct
items to submit.

 

Delete "the":  and transfer the funds

Try:  and transfer funds

 

Agreement:  I just finished a two day, actually all told it has been four
days,

Try:  I just finished a two-day, actually all told it has been a four-day,

 

Good effect:  So, I wait.

 

Pause line by line edit

Developmental

Organizational

What is take away for reader?

 

Most sentences too long, chain of thought

 

Some of your concluding comments could make could introductory theme
sentences.

 

For instance:  

 

Despite the frustration, thanks to technology, I can deposit a check from
the comfort of my home, and transfer money back and forth between multiple
accounts almost instantly. I could have done none of this as a blind person
50 years ago, and some of it not even as recently as 10 years ago.

Or

technology doesn't always save time, but it's often more convenient.

 

Too verbose, detailed

Make your experience more universal, don't get lost in the weeds

Challenge you to cut word count by one third

 

Title doesn't give a clue

 

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