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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Eliza<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I Like her full name<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Rework delete comma, dispite instead of down: Yet, down the centuries between us,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Yet despite the centuries between us,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Rework: my great-grandmother and I<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt'>Share traits this Yorkshire farmwife<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Passed on to me<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I share traits my great-grandmother, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt'>A Yorkshire farmwife, p</span>assed on to me<span style='font-size:10.0pt'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Suggest numeral ten: 10 children<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Period vocabulary may need explanation?: rectors and curates.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>More specific: To this American woman<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: To her American descendant <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Revisiting extra comma intentional?: She, like a woman of her time and all times,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Another word?: dabbling in memories.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Family history?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Aric<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'>Punctuation avoid dashes: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>You were a gift out of nowhere --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>joined me in a trek through the woods,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>when I most needed someone --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>with barks that could crack a sidewalk --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>courage that could stare down a bear.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'>Try: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>You were a gift out of nowhere, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Joining me in a trek through the woods,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>when I most needed company. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Your barks could crack a sidewalk, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>And your courage could out-stare a bear.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Stronger than going: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>a torrent going downstream<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: a torrent crashing downstream<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'>Possible dash for effect, delete just: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>You were there and then just disappeared. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'>Try: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>You were there - and then disappeared. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'>Punctuation: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>I never knew what happened to you --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>whether hit by a careless car<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>or stolen from the barren streets<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>to languish away in a sterile cage<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>and tortured in some laboratory.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'>Try: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>I never knew what happened to you. Were you hit by a careless car,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Or stolen from the barren streets<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>to languish away in a sterile cage<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>and be tortured in some laboratory?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'>Insert “was”: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>not knowing a heart was in anguish, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Your instead of it: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>by its loss?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: by your loss?</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'>Choose question mark or dash:<span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Do you know I looked for you everywhere? --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: Do you know I looked for you everywhere --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Specific: in a black dog<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Try: in every black dog<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=yiv4154816401msonormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt'>Great line: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Hell is to find and unfind so quickly.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Poignant ending<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Resolution<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span class=MsoHyperlink><i><o:p><span style='text-decoration:none'> </span></o:p></i></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span class=MsoHyperlink><i>Avoid “it” as first word: </i></span>It was the start of a new year and Stacy contemplated what she should try to change on her negatives list.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Stacy contemplated her new year’s resolution. What should she try to change on her negatives list this year? <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert another comma: and for the most part,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: and, for the most part,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Rework no ellipses: thrown anything at anyone, screamed at them or just lost it and burst in to tears….<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: thrown anything, screamed at anyone, or lost it and burst in to tears. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>???<span style='font-size:16.0pt'> her klick of toadies</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Drawled…?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-size:16.0pt'>like a hick Stacy!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='font-size:16.0pt'>like a hick, Stacy!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:16.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Period instead of comma: jeans, girls who try to look<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: jeans. Girls who try to look<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Invert: Shouted Stacy’s mother Brenda as she looked<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Brenda, Stacy’s mother, shouted as she looked<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Period instead of comma: let me take those, I got so involved<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: let me take those. I got so involved<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Contraction informal dialogue (check entire manuscript): I am just so tired<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I’m just so tired<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I’m so tired.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: you have to do it all mom,”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: you have to do it all, mom,”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Rework “it”, more active: It was a really busy night at the pizza shop. Stacy had scrambled all evening to keep the make line filled with toppings and the phone answered.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The pizza shop was busy all night. Stacy scrambled all evening to answer the phone and keep the make line filled with toppings.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation: “Good evening Mr. Woodruff, will it be you’re usual,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “Good evening, Mr. Woodruff. Will it be you’re usual,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>More concise: moved down the make line assembling the pizza being careful to spread the toppings evenly so that every bite would have all of the ingredients.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: moved down the make line assembling the pizza, careful to spread the toppings evenly so that every bite would have all the ingredients.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert commas: As the grumpy old man took his purchase she called out “Did<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: As the grumpy old man took his purchase, she called out, “Did<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Scream<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>The Pros and Cons of Technology<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Personal essay, make it personal: Any of us…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Like many of you, I struggle with technology in order to get daily tasks done, and I’ve often experience the frustration and irritation of the impossible accomplishment of my goal.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>“it” has a life of its own: so it can finish some update of interest only to it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: so “it” can finish some update of interest only to “itself.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Delete “the”, more urgent, frustrating: We launch an app to perform a task and spend endless minutes searching for the magic link or button to take us to the desired feature and then struggle thru the steps to get the program to find and select the correct items to submit the task.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: I launch an app to perform a task, spend endless minutes searching for a magic link or button to take me to the desired feature, then struggle thru several steps to instruct the program to find and select the correct items to submit.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Delete “the”: and transfer the funds<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: and transfer funds<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Agreement: I just finished a two day, actually all told it has been four days,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: I just finished a two-day, actually all told it has been a four-day,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Good effect: So, I wait.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Pause line by line edit<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Developmental<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Organizational<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>What is take away for reader?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Most sentences too long, chain of thought<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Some of your concluding comments could make could introductory theme sentences.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>For instance: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Despite the frustration, thanks to technology, I can deposit a check from the comfort of my home, and transfer money back and forth between multiple accounts almost instantly. I could have done none of this as a blind person 50 years ago, and some of it not even as recently as 10 years ago.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>technology doesn’t always save time, but it’s often more convenient.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Too verbose, detailed<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Make your experience more universal, don’t get lost in the weeds<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Challenge you to cut word count by one third<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Title doesn’t give a clue<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>