[Critique Group 1] June critiques

[Deanna Noriega]

Cleora

Title isn't clear as to what the article is about. If you are thinking of a
magazine, the title is important to catch interest.

I think it would clearer if you did this in first person.

## struggle thru the steps. Through is misspelled.

Third paragraph wanders a bit. It would be clearer to say: I needed to make
a deposit and transfer the funds from one bank to another. What should have
been simple, took me four days to accomplish. 

## Drop such phrases (as it were) they only add distraction to your points.

 

Marcia 

 

The first paragraph isn't clear that you fell asleep while watching "Back to
the Future with your grandson. 

The dream scenarios are vivid and well written. Your ending line is great.
It gives a new twist to living the dream. 

 

Leonard

I would use joining rather than joined and expand this paragraph a bit since
it isn't clear that he found you while you were trekking through the woods.

The line: Did someone take you as a pet, could be confusing. It could mean
either to mistake you for a pet, or claim him as their pet. Depending how
long he was with you, he could have been located by his original owner too.

In a black dog that looked like you might be clearer if you said that "I
looked for you in every black dog that resembled you..

I guess that 40 years is enough. Perhaps I must accept that 40 years is
enough time to understand that you are truly gone from this green earth.

 

Sally

A small woman who could neither read nor write. You have both a comma and a
period at the end of this sentence. As to the meaning, I think I understand.
My grandmother never went to school beyond the third grade. The letters she
sent me when I was in college were pretty illegible to my readers. They had
to spell the owrds to me because she wrote them down phoneticly. So a dozen
eggs might be spelled a dozun ags. As long as you understood how she
thought, you could make ssense of what she wrote. Counting, addition and
subtraction are easier than spelling. 

I think the piece would be better suited as a prose piece. That would give
you more scope for explaination. 

 

 

 

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

Cell: 573-544-3511

Email:  <mailto:dqnoriega at gmail.com> dqnoriega at gmail.com

Author of Fifty Years of Walking with Friends

https://www.dldbooks.com/dqnoriega/

 

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