[Critique Group 1] FW: Humor piece

[Sally Rosenthal]

From: Sally Rosenthal [mailto:sanford.rosenthal at comcast.net] 
Sent: Friday, October 09, 2020 10:27 PM
To: 'Deanna Noriega' <dqnoriega at gmail.com>
Subject: RE: [Critique Group 1] Humor piece

 

The local Presbyterian church was overrun with squirrels.  In order to deal
with the situation, the church council met.  They decided that since the
believed in predestination, it was God's will to have the squirrels there
and that the congregation would have to welcome them.

 

The Baptist church also had a squirrel problem.  They were playing in the
baptismal font, so the council decided to put a water slide in the baptismal
font so the squirrels would slide down it and drown.  However, they learned
that squirrels could swim and loved the water slide.  So, the Baptists
trapped all the squirrels and let them loose on the grounds of the
neighboring Lutheran church.

 

The Lutheran church had found itself with a large squirrel population even
before the Baptist squirrels were let loose on the property.  Deciding that
they could never harm any of God's creatures, the Lutherans humanely trapped
all the Lutheran and former Baptist squirrels and let them run free on the
Baptist church's property.  So, the next Sunday, there were twice as many
squirrels enjoying the water slide.

 

The Catholic church, also infested with squirrels, decided to baptize all of
them, making them members of the Catholic church which meant they would only
show up on Christmas and Easter.

 

The Jews had the most effective answer to the squirrel problem.  When they
circumsized the first squirrel they could catch in the temple, they never
saw another squirrel. 

From: Group1 [mailto:group1-bounces at bluegrasspals.com] On Behalf Of Deanna
Noriega
Sent: Wednesday, September 30, 2020 9:45 PM
To: sanford.rosenthal at comcast.net
Cc: Critique Group 1 <group1 at bluegrasspals.com>
Subject: [Critique Group 1] Humor piece

 

We want you Sally to send your joke to us. Cleora says she can't remember it
well enough to share it otherwise. Here is my piece that includes religious
determination of various guide dog breeds.

 

Which Breed Is the Best Dog?

(I saw this question on Facebook as a forwarded item without a byline making
a comparison between Labrador and golden retrievers. I added the German
Shepherds and expanded the comparisons.)

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

Golden retrievers must be touching you at all times. Labs want to touch you
at all times. German Shepherds have to see you at all times. If they had a
job, Golden retrievers would be social workers. If they had a job, labs
would be stand up comedians. If they had a job, German shepherds would be
nannies. 

Golden retrievers must be Catholics; they understand the need to confess
their guilt. Labs must be protestants, "What guilt?" German Shepherds must
be agnostics, "I only did what was necessary." 

Golden retrievers need attention. Labs want attention. German Shepherds
demand attention. 

If Golden retrievers could talk, they would be constantly saying, "I love
you! I love you! And if you came home and found a broken lamp, they would
say, "I'm a bad dog! I must have broken it even if I was outside the whole
time! Oh No, you are unhappy!"  If Labs could talk, they would constantly be
saying, "Love me! Love Me!" And if you came home to find a broken lamp, they
would say, "Broken lamp? Yup, I was having tons of fun and I broke it! Want
to see me break the other one? "If German Shepherds could talk they would be
constantly saying, "Where are you going, be careful! Let me help you with
that!" And if you came home to find a broken lamp, they would declare, I
told him not to do it, but the cat broke the lamp anyway!" 

Golden retrievers -- long hair-on your clothes, in your food, on your couch,
in your bed . everywhere! Labs -short hair-on your clothes, in your food, on
your couch, in your bed.everywhere! German Shepherds - multi-colored
hair--on your clothes, in your food, on your couch, in your bed.everywhere!

Golden retrievers brush daily; Labs, blow their coats at least twice a year,
take them to a groomer for a bath spring and fall, basically wash and wear.
German Shepherds are walking fur factories capable of creating huge dust
bunnies that are intelligent enough to hide until you put the vacuum cleaner
away. You might just consider giving these names and making them members of
the family. 

Golden Retrievers plead with their lovely eyes to be fed, because if food is
around they must have some. Labradors can't seem to tell what is food, they
will try anything to determine if it is potentially edible. 

German Shepherds  will decide that their current brand is long past its
shelf life and demand a new kind by going on a hunger strike. 

Which breed is the best dog depends on what you expect of your dog and which
best compliments your personality and lifestyle.  

 

 

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