[Critique Group 1] Sally's September comments

[Sally Rosenthal]

Sally's September 2020 comments:

DeAnna:  I had been wondering how you would bring all the pieces together
and think the epilogue idea is probably the best way.  I seem to come across
it quite often in novels now  Drop "from college" after the word
"commencement" since you say that she has her BA diploma in her backpack.
Eliminate the comma between "elders" and "enrichment, " and put "and" in the
comma's place or turn "acted" into "Acting."  After the word "values," drop
"on which to stand" which is not necessary.  Otherwise, I really like the
ending since it reiterates all the important themes and sets Lisa onto a new
path.

Leonard: Change "many different things" to " many things."  Add "them" after
"seen" and before "for decades."  I think you give the reader insight into
your need for contemplation about your parents without going into greater
detail; looking back and working through issues is the point, not what those
issues are.  Turning your parents into Harry and Rose who live down the road
and whom one might meet at the bakery turns them into real people rather
than abstracts and personalizes your ongoing contemplation.  The addition of
adding your issues with yourself to this mix makes the work more substantial
and ongoing.  Night-time rumination can be healing even if, as you suggest,
the issues might never be resolved.  Nice job!

 

Cleora:I am wondering what this piece was written for?  It has the feel and
sound of a letter to the editor or an op-ed piece.  There are several
related threads running through this piece, but I am having a hard time
picking out the most salient one.  Somehow, this could be shortened and
condensed to be a stronger piece.  You say much the same thing in many ways.
Short revisions:  "policemen" should be "police officer."  Why shouldn't the
9-year-old boy be allowed to protest outside the mayor's house, and how does
this tie in to a rec center for him?  As usual, you have strong and
passionate concerns, but this piece could benefit from another revision.

Marcia: I really liked this, especially the imagery of ash from wildfires
falling on socially-distanced diners.  Images like that one show howall
aspects of life on earth are inter-connected now.  It works well.This
reminds me of a painting of village life where the filth cannot be covered
up any

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