[Critique Group 1] Marcia's September notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally:

Title suggestion:  Imminent Journey

 

77 years - use numbers 10 and higher

 

Insert period:  release his hand.

 

Reverse?:  Kidney cancer has invaded nearby organs

And claimed his bloodstream as its transport

Try:  Kidney cancer claimed his bloodstream as its transport 

And invaded nearby organs

 

Leonard:

Title:  Extended Business

Try:  Unfinished Business

 

Reword night and day:  The time has come fore my nightly  sleep.

I sit in daily contemplation,

 

Reword:  many different things - ambiguous

Try:  a mix of emotions, several dilemmas, perplexing thoughts.

 

First stanza punctuation:  commas and periods, incomplete sentence

Try:  the flick that entertained  my evening,

 

Tense:  sit present, thought past

 

Reword I/we:  I still have a relationship .

Try:  We still have a relationship .

 

Like this line:  We often float in dreams together. 

 

Reword:  Age often complies with wisdom, 

Try:  Age often conceals (yields) wisdom, 

 

Replace pronoun:  My attitudes toward them keep evolving, 

Try:  My attitude toward my parents keeps evolving, 

 

Reword:  as is the way I perceive them

Try:  as does the way I perceive them

 

Deanna:

Reword:  and her brother Mike would be waiting to pick her up.

Try:  where her brother Mike was waiting to pick her up.

 

Reword:  Seven Generations coordinated programs to serve the people
providing meals for elders, enrichment classes for children and acted to
benefit tribal members. 

Try:  Seven Generations coordinated programs to serve the people and benefit
tribal members including meals for elders and enrichment classes for
children. 

 

Insert comma and rephrase:  Next fall Lisa would be entering

Try:  Next fall, Lisa would enter 

 

Reword:  Mary Swan had set an example for her children, by entering nursing
school. 

Try:  Mary Swan set an example for her children by entering nursing school. 

 

Reword:  It hadn't been easy to step from the safety

Try:  It hadn't been easy for Lisa to step from the safety

Or

It wasn't easy for Lisa.

Insert comma:  shiftless alcoholic, lazy Indians

Try:  shiftless, alcoholic, lazy Indians

 

Ease transition:  The doors opened

Try:  The airplane doors opened

 

Insert comma:  "Anishinaabe" the name Chippewa called themselves.

Try:  "Anishinaabe," the name Chippewa called themselves.

 

Cleora:

Title?Intriguing but not connected to essay

 

Use quotes:  they cried witch.

Try:  they cried "witch."

they cry "racist" or the ever popular "bigot."

 

Topic?:  first paragraph raises multiple issues:

Name calling, defunding police, excessive force, threat to communities,
local accountability.

 

An example of a good introductory question to set topic:  How did we get
from appreciating the work our law enforcement officers do to demanding that
the rule of law is unconstitutional and allowing criminals to rage through
our communities unchecked?

 

Insert comma:  even in a secure community residents

Try:  even in a secure community, residents

 

Insert comma:  As of the 2018 records there are

Try:  As of the 2018 records, there are

 

Expand:  George Floyd was not the first.

Not the first what?

 

Verify, provide source:  , it would seem no effort has been made on the part
of this Democratic administration to make sure that officers comply to the
procedure. 

There are likely many cases

Perhaps in the case of Floyd

 

"they?":  they put a spit mask

 

TBD:  pending investigation. The officers were following procedure step by
step.

 

Verify:  Possibly they didn't believe he was really in trouble. I also point
out that there were others witnessing the event and they did nothing to try
to help Floyd either.

 

Delete "an":  an officer amber Geiger

Try:  Officer amber Geiger

 

Organize each case in one paragraph:  The officer in the case of Jefferson
has been arrested and in due course of time justice will be served. (in a
different paragraph) There is no reason for her 9 year old nephew to be
marching in front of the mayor's home, and the city of Fort Worth doesn't
owe him a rec center for him and his friends to play video games .

 

Delete "are":  Federal police are and the national guard are available

Try:  Federal police and the national guard are available

 

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