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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title suggestion: Imminent Journey<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>77 years – use numbers 10 and higher<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert period: release his hand.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reverse?: Kidney cancer has invaded nearby organs<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>And claimed his bloodstream as its transport<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Kidney cancer claimed his bloodstream as its transport <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>And invaded nearby organs<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title: Extended Business<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Unfinished Business<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reword night and day: <span style='color:black'>The time has come fore my nightly sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>I sit in daily contemplation,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='color:black'>many different things - ambiguous<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: a mix of emotions, several dilemmas, perplexing thoughts…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>First stanza punctuation: commas and periods, incomplete sentence<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>the flick that entertained my evening,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense: sit present, thought past<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reword I/we: <span style='color:black'>I still have a relationship .<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>We still have a relationship .<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Like this line: <span style='color:black'>We often float in dreams together. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reword: <span style='color:black'>Age often complies with wisdom, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>Age often conceals (yields) wisdom, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Replace pronoun: <span style='color:black'>My attitudes toward them keep evolving, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>My attitude toward my parents keeps evolving, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='color:black'>as is the way I perceive them</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>as does the way I perceive them</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: and her brother Mike would be waiting to pick her up.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: where her brother Mike was waiting to pick her up.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: Seven Generations coordinated programs to serve the people providing meals for elders, enrichment classes for children and acted to benefit tribal members. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Seven Generations coordinated programs to serve the people and benefit tribal members including meals for elders and enrichment classes for children. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma and rephrase: Next fall Lisa would be entering<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Next fall, Lisa would enter <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: Mary Swan had set an example for her children, by entering nursing school. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Mary Swan set an example for her children by entering nursing school. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: It hadn’t been easy to step from the safety<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: It hadn’t been easy for Lisa to step from the safety<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>It wasn’t easy for Lisa…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: shiftless alcoholic, lazy Indians<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: shiftless, alcoholic, lazy Indians<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Ease transition: The doors opened<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The airplane doors opened<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: “Anishinaabe” the name Chippewa called themselves.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “Anishinaabe,” the name Chippewa called themselves.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title?Intriguing but not connected to essay<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use quotes: they cried witch.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: they cried “witch.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>they cry “racist” or the ever popular “bigot.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Topic?: first paragraph raises multiple issues:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Name calling, defunding police, excessive force, threat to communities, local accountability…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>An example of a good introductory question to set topic: How did we get from appreciating the work our law enforcement officers do to demanding that the rule of law is unconstitutional and allowing criminals to rage through our communities unchecked?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: even in a secure community residents<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: even in a secure community, residents<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: As of the 2018 records there are<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: As of the 2018 records, there are<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Expand: George Floyd was not the first.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Not the first what?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Verify, provide source: , it would seem no effort has been made on the part of this Democratic administration to make sure that officers comply to the procedure. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>There are likely many cases<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Perhaps in the case of Floyd<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>“they?”: they put a spit mask<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>TBD: pending investigation. The officers were following procedure step by step.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Verify: Possibly they didn’t believe he was really in trouble. I also point out that there were others witnessing the event and they did nothing to try to help Floyd either.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “an”: an officer amber Geiger<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Officer amber Geiger<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Organize each case in one paragraph: The officer in the case of Jefferson has been arrested and in due course of time justice will be served. (in a different paragraph) There is no reason for her 9 year old nephew to be marching in front of the mayor’s home, and the city of Fort Worth doesn’t owe him a rec center for him and his friends to play video games .<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “are”: Federal police are and the national guard are available<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Federal police and the national guard are available<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>