[Critique Group 1] Marcia's July notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally

Running Free

Singular?:  Unencumbered by wheelchairs and service dog vests,

Try:  Unencumbered by wheelchair and service dog vestss,

 

Run instead of race? (tie into title):  They race along eternity's shore.

Try:  They run free along eternity's shore.

 

 

Leonard

First Sleigh Ride

Delete "the":  The beginnings are often telling.

Try:  Beginnings are often telling.

 

Punctuation:  Will this be the last time you imbibe? 

Or the start of a love affair.

Try:  Will this be the last time you imbibe,

Or the start of a love affair?

 

Reword:  Perhaps was just knapsack size,

Try:  Perhaps I was just knapsack size,

 

Single versus only

 

Reword:  waiting their turn to slide down the steep.

Try:  waiting their turn to slide down the steep hill.

 

Like this line:  while he palmed his way to judgement day.

 

Reword:  From that distinctive day I was hooked.

Try:  From that first sleigh ride, I was hooked.

 

Insert period:  of a day when it was my first time

Try:  of a day when it was my first time.

 

 

Deanna

Dogwood Blossom

Use name instead of pronoun:  Grandma Emma had given her the name Dogwood
Blossom, because she said that she was such a beautiful baby and was born in
spring. 

Try:  Grandma Emma had given her the name "Dogwood Blossom" because Lisa was
a beautiful baby born in the spring.

 

Reword:  to put dogwood flowers on it.

Try:  to decorate it with dogwood flowers.

 

Reword:  Everyone in her family had both birth certificate names and
Chippewa ones that were given to reflect who they were as people.

Try:  Everyone in her family had two birth certificates, one with their
American name and one with  their Chippewa name given to reflect who they
were as people.

 

Delete comma:  "Hello,"

Try:  "Hello"

 

Punctuation:  In the summer, the tree provided plenty of shade and it had
lovely autumn leaves too.

Try:  In the summer, the tree provided plenty of shade, and it had lovely
autumn leaves, too.

 

Delete comma:  the sound of a car, pulling into the driveway

Try:  the sound of a car pulling into the driveway

 

Rework:  Something fell from the branches of the thorn apple tree that grew
between the side of the house and the gravel drive. The car jerked to a
stop, but not in time to avoid hitting a falling bundle. 

Try:  The car jerked to a stop, but not in time to avoid hitting a bundle
that fell from the branches of the thorn apple tree growing between the side
of the house and the gravel drive. 

 

Delete hyphen:  Ryan sent-up a wail

Try:  Ryan sent up a wail

 

Insert comma:  she asked "Did I hit

Try:  she asked, "Did I hit

 

 

Cleora

Prejudice and Bigotry

Avoid pronoun "it":  It happened when I was in the fifth or sixth grade.

Try:  When I was in the fifth or sixth grade.

 

Capitalize:  Parent's Day

 

Reword draw picture redundant:  Each of us was assigned a person to draw a
picture of for display. Try:  Each of us was assigned a famous person to
draw for the display. 

 

Punctuation:  I was assigned Percy Byssh Shellyey--one of the major English
romantic poets widely regarded as one of the greatest lyric and philosophic
poets in the English language.

Try:  I was assigned Percy Byssh Shellyey, widely regarded as one of the
greatest lyric and philosophic poets in the English language.

 

Delete "version":  The picture I drew looked exactly like a 14 x 16 version
of the picture in our text books.

Try:  The likeness I drew looked exactly like a 14 x 16 picture in our text
books.

 

Reword:  My picture and that of my best friend whose picture, while a little
out of proportion, but still resembling the subject she had been assigned,
got no recognition at all.

Try:  My picture and that of my best friend whose picture, while a little
out of proportion, resembled the subject she had been assigned, got no
recognition at all.

 

Delete "even":  not even one parent

Try:  not one parent

 

Insert comma:  made fun of my picture saying

Try:  made fun of my picture, saying

 

Typo?:  praising the work of thes!

e children

 

commas instead of parentheses:  My father (a tall, hardworking white man
with a third grade education) worked from

try:  My father, a tall, hard-working white man with a third grade
education, worked from

 

delete a/plural:  a doctor, lawyer, or highly paid college graduate,

try:  doctors, lawyers, or highly paid college graduates,

 

same typo:  These children of the up!

per class

 

introductory phrase comma:  This morning,

 

another typo:  These children of the up!

per class can do no wrong,

 

multiple topics/themes need to be tied together, connected somehow with
transitions - what is the over-arching message?

 

Could explore in separate essay:  If we are going to denounce the
accomplishments of every one that doesn't share our modern enlightenment,
there will be no one that can stand.Alas, none can stand. We are all guilty.

 

Punctuation:  Oops. Is that a flaw?

Try:  Oops, is that a flaw?

 

Same typo:  tolerance and accep!

tance of others

 

clarify, pronoun, who is they and those?:  and those today that rail against
those that have a different look, belief, or way of doing things to theirs
are shouted down and labeled as bigots. They refuse to hear or let anyone
else hear what those who have a different view have to say.

 

Changing topic again:  There is a growing movement in this country that
would have us believe that the upper class should take

 

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